


Into the woods

by Zara_Phoebe



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clexa, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-17 23:10:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9350360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zara_Phoebe/pseuds/Zara_Phoebe
Summary: CLEXA COLLEGE AUFrom the top 3 most popular fanfictions of the Italian Archive (efpfanfic.net),  "Into the woods" has now an English version.The girl next door, a mysterious tattoo, a troubled past and a new beginning.[From the translated text]After tonight, I'm afraid I'll have to explain things I never told anyone. So, while the man who pushed you to the ground takes a careful look at the tattoo that covers my back and I order him to let you go, I can't really hide from you anymore."We are what we are" I keep repeating to myself.But tonight, the only thing that matters is to take you home safely.





	1. Field Trip

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Into the woods](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/256838) by Zara_phoebe. 



> Hi there, lovely people!  
> This is my first fiction in English and my very first day as a writer here at AO3, but I read and followed pretty much every Clexa fanfiction of the Archive. I hope I can entertain and move some of you, at least half of how some of the amazing works I found here have entertained and moved me (*insert tears -many tears - here*).  
> So before season 4 airs and we have to get upset again, why not dream on a little bit more? This fandom has some of the most talented and beautiful people I have ever seen in my life and I would like to share with you my small contribution.
> 
> Feel free to drop any suggestion, comment or critique. I would love to hear your thoughts about the story!
> 
> For those of you who know a little bit of Italian and would like to read the original version, here is the link:  
> http://www.efpfanfic.net/viewstory.php?sid=3470984&i=1
> 
> This fanfiction is complete and I plan on posting a new translated chapter every week.
> 
> Hope you like it and...well, welcome on board!

**1\. Field trip**  
   
I’ve been roaming around this damn forest for about forty minutes now, these flies keep buzzing around and my attempts to try and shake them off are not working at all. My t-shirt is stuck to the skin and the annoying feeling of some droplets of sweat sliding down my back is making everything even more unpleasant. I stop for ten minutes, I swear, only _ten minutes_ , to take a quick picture with my phone and my group magically disappears into thin air.  
   
_Of course._  
   
The day this damned College decides to finally organize a school trip, I have to end up playing the poor school girl who lost her way back to the group. Even though it is highly probable that none of my class mates will ever even notice my absence, the thought of them laughing at me after they see me coming back after half an hour is upsetting me beyond words.  
As I try to speed up a little bit, I look up to the sky to clear my head and enjoy the view. The tops of the trees are perfectly painted on this light blue canvas and the vivid green that surrounds me creates a circle that leaves me alone, right in the middle. I'm still walking with my nose up, when I accidentally step on a curved root and end up on the ground, beating my right shoulder against a rock.  
  
_That’s all I needed_.  
   
I immediately try to find my glasses, almost blindly moving my hands through the fallen leaves on the ground. But the pain I begin to feel on my shoulder already reaches my fingertips and it forces me to stop moving and sit up. I slowly touch my right shoulder in an attempt of calming the grip of pain. At the touch, my mouth clamps and I have to shut my eyes to stop the tears.  
Here it is, the perfect picture that can synthesize my life: me wanting to give the world a chance, perhaps starting with a nice little field trip on a beautiful sunny day and where do I end up? On the ground. Without my glasses. Covered in sweat and mud, with a sore shoulder.  
  
  
"Hey! Are you all right? Are you hurt?" I hear, suddenly, behind me.  
   
It is a voice that I recognize, but I am not quite sure where I heard it before.         
   
"I'm fine" I automatically answer, while desperately trying to get up.  
  
"Wait, let me help you" the voice continues, quickly reaching me.  
   
Now that the figure is closer, I can finally focus a little bit better and register some details: I see a tall young woman, probably my age, slender, brown hair carefully tied into a long tail, wearing a green military tank top and a pair of shorts. She definitely chose the right outfit for today’s trip - I find myself thinking as I look down at my wet shirt, my heavy jeans and my Timberland boots -.  
I’m distracted by my own thoughts and I don’t even notice her attempt to pull me off the ground grabbing me by the arm.  
  
_The right arm_.  
  
I immediately pull back, as if I had been stung by something, because of the sudden pain. She lets go and takes a step back, surprised by this reaction.  
   
I let out a little moan, returning to slowly rub my arm, then, still sitting on the floor, I try to explain "I hit my arm against something and I can’t find my glasses"  
   
 I get up on my own, after a few tries. The girl kneels right in front of me, passing her hands through the leaves, until, with one move, gets up and hands me something. I close my eyes a bit to focus and I am relieved: my glasses.  
I put them on and I try to stamp on my face the best smile that I have.  
   
"Thanks" I say, before looking around and figure out which way to go.  
   
"I think someone should check your arm, the bruise is already turning red" she says, pointing a crimson stain that is slowly spreading beneath my shoulder.   
   
I shrug and try to be convincing when I say "Oh, this? It's nothing. I’ll be fine"  
   
"Are you here with the biology group?" she asks, ignoring my attempts to cut it short.  
   
"Yes, but I lost my group a while ago"  
   
"Wait a minute" she says, looking for something in her backpack. I see her pulling out a cell phone and I wish I could stop her. I wish I could tell her that there is really no need to call anybody, I don’t need help, I’ll find the group on my own. But my shyness in these situations quickly gets a grip on me and the more I get upset and try to do or at least say something, the more I sink into the most awkward silence.  
   
"I'm calling a friend of mine. I lost my group too, about twenty minutes ago. That professor has a goddamn rocket under his feet, doesn’t he? I didn’t even have the time to get away to talk to my mom on the phone, that when I hung up everyone was gone" she admits, smiling.  
   
"Clarke, finally! Where the hell are you guys?"  I hear her say, after a few seconds of waiting on the phone.  
   
"Clarke, seriously, stop laughing. It’s not funny! There is another girl who got lost, she tripped and hurt her arm. We need help- "  
   
_I’m not lost and I don’t need any help. I'm fine. Absolutely f-i-n-e._  
   
"No, I don’t think she’s bleeding, but it must be a bad bruise anyway"  
  
I shook my head.  
_What a great fucking day._  
   
"Clarke, how do I know?! You're the doctor, not me! Get your ass here and come pick us up! I’ll send you the GPS location, check your messages. If you don’t know how to open it, ask Monty, he knows how to do it, okay? Move!"  
   
She hangs up, then turns to me with a nervous smile on her face "it’s okay, they’re coming. They weren’t too far from here"  
   
I don’t smile back. My usual expression of intolerance and impatience is back on my face.  
   
"I’m Raven, by the way" she adds, reaching for my hand.  
   
"Alexa" I answer back, accepting the friendly handshake without enthusiasm.  
   
_I should have stayed in my room._  
   
"Raven!"  
   
"Clarke! We're here!"  
   
_And then I see you._  
Making your way through the trees, trying not to trip, I see you raise your arm and wave at us. I reposition my glasses, pushing them slightly up with my hand.  I immediately focus on you: blond hair, a little wavy, with your tips dyed with a ridiculous pink, wearing a pair of shorts, a blue t-shirt and a stunning smile.  
   
_What the hell is there to smile?_  
   
"Well, that’s a big fat hematoma for sure" you say, pointing at my shoulder, without even saying ‘hi’ to your friend - or me -.  
   
"Where did you all go? I was on the phone and next thing I know, you were all gone! Why didn’t you and ‘O wait for me?"  
   
"Raven, me and Octavia were convinced you were going to pull one of your stupid jokes on us!"  
   
"You bitches!" your friend shouts and I can’t figure out if that’s just the way you two talk to each other or if the brunette is seriously mad at you.  
   
 "Well, I came to save your stupid ass, didn’t I?" you answer giggling.  
   
Then you lay your eyes on me for a moment and I realize that you're trying to figure out where you have seen me before.  
   
"Hey, my name is Clarke" you say.  
   
_I know._  
   
"Alexa" I reply, again, with no enthusiasm.  
   
I feel the other girl's eyes suddenly on me, as if she is trying to figure out if I have some kind of problem or if I am always this awkward with people.  
   
"Can I have a look at your arm? I'm not a doctor yet, but I have a bit of experience" you explain, trying to be friendly.  
   
"Really, it's nothing. As soon as we get back on Campus, I’ll put a little bit of ice on it and I'll be fine" I say and, before anyone has time to say anything else, I add "I'd really like to go back to the group, now. I’m missing the whole class"  
   
You open your eyes a little, as if you had just heard something absolutely absurd, as if I had said something in another language, but decide not to add anything and nod.  
   
"This way" you turn to your friend.  
   
We walk for about ten minutes, you two chat for a while as I remain silent, until the voices of other students, gathered in circle around an old camp, begin to reach our ears. There should be approximately sixty students gathered there and they are probably the only two courses left of this morning’s trip: Biology and Med School. I attend the Biology course, so the two girls - who have now lowered the tone of their voices and are trying to reach their friends without being noticed -, must belong to the other course.  
   
"Thanks for the help" I tell you, reluctantly, speeding up to reach my group. I do not look back. I don’t need to see the expression you both have on your faces to know that I didn’t make a great impression.  
   
"What a weird girl" I hear the brunette say, as soon as she thinks I’m out of reach.  
   
As I had imagined, no one even noticed I was lost.  
   
The rest of the trip proceeds peacefully, the professor continues to list the chemical basis for photosynthesis and stops, once in a while, to touch the leaves of some plants along the way. He looks like a good man, Professor Kane. He always looks so sympathetic towards his students and his lectures are exhaustive and engaging. He loves his job, you can _feel_ it. I'd like to pay more attention to what he’s saying now, maybe even take some notes, but at every step I feel a new flow of pain running through my shoulder down to my fingers and I can’t hide the tormented expression I have on my face. On top of that, some guys behind me keep acting like kids and their hysterical giggles are driving my blood up to my brain. It's difficult enough to concentrate on these last few minutes of class with the entire right side of my body that hurts terribly, all I need now are a bunch of teenagers with hormones in turmoil to ruin my day further. I spun around to tell them to stop, but my face must be so terrifying that I don’t even need to say a word. They immediately look at each other and stop.  
   
_Good._  
   
I turn around.  
It is at this exact moment that I catch you looking at me, a few meters away from my group, surrounded by your friends, with your eyes set on my arm and a worried expression on your face. Our eyes meet, for a brief second. You open your mouth slightly, I think maybe you're about to say something, so I immediately look away. And you do the same.  
   
As soon as I cross the entrance of the Campus I speed up to reach the dining hall as quickly as possible. I don’t want to go to the infirmary room on the second floor, there is always a terrible smell and a line of frightened girls queuing for a pregnancy test.  
I enter the kitchen through the door reserved for employees.  
   
"Anya!" I shout so that she can hear me if she’s in the pantry.  
   
"Lex, wait, I’ll be there in a sec!" I hear her say.  
She comes out soon after, with her white apron smeared with blood, and stares at me straight in the eyes, the knife still in her hands.  
   
"What happened?"  
   
"Anya, I need ice. Immediately"  
   
I explain, leaning to the anti-panic door handle for support. I finally allow myself to feel tired.  
   
"What did you do to your shoulder?" she asks.  
   
"Before your brain makes up some stupid ideas, I didn’t start any fight or get hit by anyone, I swear. My class went on a field trip in the woods today and I slipped on some damn rock"  
   
She seems to relax and finally puts the knife down on the table.  
   
"Why didn’t you go to the infirmary? You don’t look too good"  
   
"Look, are you giving me this ice or not? I’m tired, I’ve had the worst day and I really really really want to go back to my room now" I blurt.  
   
_What’s wrong with everyone today? It's just a bruise!_  
   
I see her sigh, resigned.  
We know each other since we were little kids and Anya is literally one of the very few people on the face of the Earth that I can actually stand. And that is able to stand me. I remember almost taking into consideration the idea of giving up College, when I found out that she was not going to continue her studies. She had gotten a job as an employee of a catering company and they have contracts with almost all the schools in town. Anya had been assigned to this College a few years back and was ready to spend her days slicing meat and preparing lunch for students all day. It wasn’t the job of her dreams, of course, but for how things were, it was the best she could hope for. She eventually convinced me to go to College, but I had agreed to fill in my application at one condition: I had to choose it. And I chose this one, of course, where Anya and Gus both worked. It wasn’t the best College in the area, for sure, but it didn’t matter to me.  
I could not imagine my life without them by my side.  
   
I take a few more seconds to look at her, so tall, so proud, so strong and yet visibly tired already. No one would ever guess her age right, she looks so much older.  
Anya is now standing in front of me, shaking a big dark bag.  
   
"Here, try not to drip everywhere and get caught with all this ice. I’ll get fired if they know that I let you come in here when and as you please"  
   
I smile.  
   
"Thanks, A" I say and I give her a pat on the shoulder before leaving the kitchen.  
   
The bag of ice I immediately place on my right shoulder causes a mixed feeling on my skin and I am not sure if I love it or hate it, but I know it’s the only chance I have to reduce the pain and the swelling.  
I finally arrive at the door of my room - a single room, obviously - and I try to keep the ice bag balanced on top of my right knee as I try to open the door with the other hand.  
Suddenly the door next to mine opens and catches me off guard. The dark bag slips through my fingers and falls –with my keys- on the ground making a squishy sound.    
  
  
_Fuck_.  
   
I curse in my head, bending down to pick it up. I don’t even have the time to grab it that you are already on your knees next to me, helping me. When you look up, you raise your eyebrows a bit.  
You have recognized me. As a matter of fact, I think you became aware of my existence only just now. Even though we’ve been next door neighbours for a couple of months now.  
   
"Ah, I knew I had seen you before!" you say with a smile, slowly getting up.  
   
"Thanks" I reply, as you hand me the bag.  
   
"Is that ice?"  
   
"Yes" I bite my tongue.  
   
_Please don’t ask me where I got it_.  
   
"Where did you get it?"  
   
_Of course._  
   
 I immediately insert the key in the lock.  
   
"They gave it to me at the infirmary" I cut it short and I put a foot in the door.  
   
"They let you go with a bag of ice?" you insist, pointing at the bruise on my shoulder - now almost completely black - "with _that_ shoulder?"  
   
"That's right. As I said: it's nothing"  
   
You look a bit puzzled now, but you nod.  
   
"Okay, then. Hope you get well soon – uhm-" you want to add something, but you can’t remember.  
   
"Alexa" I remind you.  
   
"Alexa" you repeat, hitting your forehead with the palm of your hand. "Sorry, I have a terrible memory when it comes to names" you try to justify yourself.  
   
"No problem. Have a good day, Clarke" I nod and go into my room.  
   
I, on the other hand, remember your name _very well._  
  
 


	2. The girl next door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! Thought I might give you a little bit more to read this week :)
> 
> Hope you guys like it.   
> Our two girls are slowly getting to know each other. But it's just the beginning.
> 
> Leave as many comments and kudos as you want! I don't bite, I swear!

**2\. The girl next door**  
   
It’s been two weeks since last time we spoke. We crossed path a few times in the hallway and in line at the cafeteria, but you're always late and you never seem to pay attention to what’s around you. The thing is: I don’t mind it. I like the idea of being able to secretly look at you, without getting noticed.  
   
"Double portion of fries for you today, Lex"  
  
Anya has always something saved for me. I grab the box of fries and flip it into the one I had already received in line.  
   
"Always the best, A. Thanks!” I say and I run to occupy the only table that no one ever wants, the one closest to the garbage disposer.  
   
I was grabbing my first fry, when…  
   
"So, let me guess, this huge portion of fries was given to you by the guys at the infirmary, right?"  
   
_Your voice_. I swallow.  
   
"What?" I stutter, as I turn to look at you.  
   
"I mean... that amount of fries? On a Tuesday? Just like that bag of ice, something doesn’t add up. Plus, I’m doing some work at the infirmary, you know, and your name doesn’t even show up in our archives. You were never there"  
  
I don’t answer. I really wouldn’t know what to say.  
  
"But now I figured it out: the kitchen. You must have some very generous friend in the kitchen! It’s the only logical explanation" you add, ignoring my silence. You put your tray on my table and continue "I’ll tell you what: I won’t tell anyone, if you share those fries with me. Deal?"  
   
I see my hand moving the box in front of you, before saying "take them all, I’m not really hungry"  
   
You sit next to me, with a smirk on your face.  
And I think my heart skips a beat. Maybe two.  
   
"Great! You just became my favorite lunch buddy. You replaced Octavia, she usually gives me her muffin and she is the only person I know who is crazy enough to go on a diet during the exam week"  
   
I try to smile, ignoring all the confusing signals my body is sending out at every word you say.  
   
"If you had gone to the infirmary the bruise would have gone away a lot sooner, you know?" you say, nonchalantly grabbing some of my fries.   
  
My bruise if finally healing. You noticed.  
   
"You can’t tell anyone that I know an employee of the kitchen or they’ll fire her" I say out of the blue, as soon as I get ahold of myself again. The tone of my voice – suddenly serious and firm-  surprises you and for a moment you stop chewing.  
   
"Your secret is safe with me, don’t worry" you reassure me. Perhaps you are already pondering the idea of getting up and finishing your lunch somewhere else.  
   
"Sorry, about that. It’s just that…I would never forgive myself if Anya lost her job because of me" I explain, taking a deep breath.  
   
"Is she a friend of yours?" you ask, grabbing some more fries. The fries on my tray must have convinced you to stay.  
   
"She’s my sister"  
   
_Why did I say that? You don’t even know me._  
   
"Really? It must be nice to have a family member here on Campus. It’s like having a safe place to turn to if something goes wrong or you’re feeling down"  
   
My eyes should not have met yours while you were saying that. If I had kept them down on this glass of water, I would have avoided capturing that look on your face.  
   
"Are you an only child?" I ask, without a second thought.  
   
"Yes, well…yes" I hear you whisper, almost as if you wanted to say more. I don’t ask you anything further because I sense the world that hides behind it and I know how that feels and I respect it.  
  
"Are you going to Raven’s party tonight?" you ask suddenly, waking us both from our own thoughts.  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Raven Reyes, the girl who saved you in the woods some weeks ago-"  
  
"No one saved me from anything" I interrupt immediately, all stiff, raising the forefinger of my right hand.  
  
You laugh and I'm sure I miss another beat.  
  
"Okay, you’re no damsel in distress, I get it. But are you coming or not?"  
  
"I don’t like parties" I answer, stretching my legs under the table to slip comfortably on the chair.  
  
"I don’t really like them either, but Raven and Octavia are my roommates. They’ll kill me if I don’t go"  
  
"So…why are you asking me?" I feel the urge to ask before I can actually stop the words coming out of my mouth.  
  
You look a bit surprised and somehow uncertain, as if you’re not sure of what to answer to that.  
  
"I don’t know, it was – well, I guess I just felt like asking. I'm not going to force you to come, if that's what you mean"  
  
What was I expecting? A “please come I can’t wait to be your friend?”. Who am I kiddin’? No one here is really dying to know me or even speak to me. I know that. I’ve always known that and it never really bothered me before. I like being alone. I like my space, my time, my things. It’s just bizarre the way I'm acting now.  
   
Whatever this story is that is fucking with my head for the past two weeks, it must end now. I can’t stand another second of this version of me. My legs are shaky, my hands are sweating and my heart is beating in my ears. I won’t allow it anymore, especially around a girl like you. Our worlds couldn’t be more different than this.  
   
"Anyway, no, I’m not coming. A bunch of teenagers drinking cheap alcohol and dancing to horrible disco music is just the sort of things I absolutely hate"  
   
I see you raising your eyebrows, nodding weakly, desperately looking for something to say. It’s the right moment to end the conversation.  
  
"Feel free to have the rest of my fries. I have some notes to check before the next class, so I better go now" I get up and pick up my stuff. I feel better. I feel safe behind my tons of armor made with great care over the years. I feel in control again.  
  
"Okay, well, thanks for the extra fries, Alexa" you answer, without blinking once, still smiling, as if you didn’t even notice this anger I carry around, as if you didn’t notice the thick walls around me. You say it so kindly. And you remembered my name.  
  
"Tomorrow I might be able to get some extra chocolate pudding. If you’re interested…”  
  
_What did I just say? What’s wrong with me?!_  
  
“Will I find you here?" your smile is even bigger now.  
  
"Yes"  
  
 

* * *

  
It’s around midnight and I hear the door next to mine open and close several times, the party is being held down in the common room, but smuggled liquors and beers are probably all gathered in your room. I’m trying to get some sleep, but the music keeps shaking the thin walls that divide us and the idea that you're downstairs with who knows who, doing who knows what is causing a strange feeling to my stomach.  
I close my eyes and I think about it.  
The first time I ever saw you. It was a Monday morning, about three months ago. You were busy moving your heavy boxes to the door and I still remember the sound of your laugh that came from the corridor. For the first time in two years, something forced me to get out of my room and pretend to take a coffee just to figure out who it belonged to. Before that day I never really cared to know who my neighbor was.  
And so it was, I had learned your name by heart by the second day you were here and whenever Octavia called you in the hallway for some kind of joke you were doing to each other, I would find myself imagining your face as you were trying to get her quietly back to the room.  
I hit the pillow with my head and I try to stop this flow of thoughts.  
At around 8 o'clock in the morning, I finally decide to get up and start the damn day. As I walk down the hall on my way to class I wish I could wake everyone up and ruin their day as well. But my frustration doesn’t last long and stops altogether when I see you, a little sleepy, near the coffee machine before the stairs.  
I freeze.  
I have to pass you by to reach the stairs for the first floor and I don’t quite know how to do it.  
   
_This is ridiculous_.  
   
I lock my eyes to the floor and I quickly walk by.  You obviously stop me half way.  
   
"Hey neighbor, good morning!"  
   
The tone of your voice surprises me, you don’t look like someone who didn’t sleep much last night.  
   
"Oh, good morning, Clarke" I say calmly, as if your existence was completely indifferent to me.  
   
"Do you want some coffee?"  
   
“That coffee is awful, Clarke "  
   
"You're right, but it’s the only thing able to wake me up this morning. I don’t  know how you managed to sleep last night with all that chaos" you chuckle, while you dip a teaspoon of sugar in your coffee.  
   
"I didn't sleep, in fact"  
   
"Oh, I'm sorry! We didn’t mean to - "  
   
"Never mind" I interrupt you, and, oddly enough, I mean it. It doesn’t really matter anymore.  
   
"How can I make it up to you?" you ask me and what the hell do I answer to a question like that?  
   
 "Hey, it wasn’t your fault. It’s fine” I stutter, completely puzzled.  
   
"True, but they’re my people, you know? They’re my crazy lame friends and I’m usually the one who sacrifices herself for them. I’m used to it. Tell me: what can I do?" your politeness dries my mouth.  
  
_Lexa, damn it, say something._  
  
"Let's do this: I’ll give my extra chocolate puddings up. It's a big sacrifice for me, as you can imagine, but - "  
   
"No" is the only thing that my brain is able to formulate now, at the very idea of not having you seated next to me during lunch.  
   
Then out of pure panic, I try to justify myself "You can give _one_ pudding up. Tops"  
   
That smile of yours again.  
   
"Deal! It was easier than what I thought. It's a pleasure doing business with you!"  
  
  
"See you later, then"  
   
"See you later" I hear you say and I allow myself to smile a bit, when I turn my back on you.  
   
I start counting down the hours that separate me from lunch time. The hall is full of people, some of them look exhausted, probably all of Raven’s friends with the worst hangover. You seemed tired, but your face was clean and your voice clear, no trace of fatigue on your skin.  
  
“Anya!” I shout, as soon as I get to the kitchen.  
  
“How many puddings did you save for me?" I ask her, with the same enthusiasm of a child waiting for Christmas presents.  
   
“Today I have 5 left, but-”  
   
“Can I get 4?”  
   
She hands me 4 of them, then, while looking at me sneak away like a cat with its prey, she adds "Where the hell do you put all this food I wonder?!"  
   
When I leave the kitchen I find you right away, sitting in my usual spot, but this time you're not alone. Your roommates, Raven and Octavia, are with you.  
I immediately start to move backwards.  
   
 "Alexa!" you call me, as soon as you see me.  
   
 I grab the ends of the tray with my fingers, wondering what to do. You raise your hand and I have no other choice but to come join you. My discomfort is so palpable that for a moment I imagine it as a tangible entity ready to sit down and have lunch with us. I slowly put the tray on the table and sit in silence. I feel all eyes are on me, they are all waiting for me to say something.  
  
"Raven, you remember Alexa, right?"  you immediately break the ice.  
  
"Sure. How's the arm?" she asks me.  
  
"Fine" I say politely.  
  
"Alexa, she is Octavia" you introduce her and just before accepting her handshake, I realize how beautiful she is. We both have a strong hold, the kind that both our hands feel a little compressed under the other’s pressure.  
  
"Nice to meet you" I say, starting to unwrap my meal.  
  
Me and you don’t talk much, the conversation is all about what a terrible morning your friends had. They laughed when they remembered how last night you had to drag them into the room one after the other, trying not to stumble at every step of the way. You say that this is why you don’t drink much when you're with them, you’re always afraid that one of the two gets into trouble and you can’t help them. During this conversation, I learn that you and your roommates knew each other back in high school and that you and Octavia initially didn’t get along too well.  
  
"There is another party tonight. It’s organized by my brother’s fraternity" announces Octavia.  
  
"Sorry ‘O, but I really don’t think I can handle another party tonight!" you immediately reply.  
  
“Oh, come on! Clarke, stop being a pussy!"  
  
"I'm in!" shouts Raven, barely containing her enthusiasm.  
  
I keep eating in silence, ignoring the conversation and praying not to be involved.  
  
"Hey, if you like you can come with us" says Octavia, looking at me.  
  
"Um -" I swallow a fork of food, trying to find a plausible excuse "tomorrow I have class early in the morning so I can’t, but, well ... thanks for the invitation" I conclude, quite satisfied. The two girls don’t seem too convinced, but you smile at me.  
  
 "Girls, I have to go. I have 5 minutes before my class" you break the awkward silence once again, getting up. Fortunately, Octavia and Raven get up with you, emptying their trays in the disposer right behind me.  
  
They leave, but you hesitate for a moment. I wish I could say something else.  
  
  
"You didn’t eat your dessert" I whisper, pointing at the 4 puddings Anya gave to me.  
  
"Thanks, but I’m a bit full today" you tell me, then add "do you have a fridge in your room?"  
  
"Yes, I do. A small one"  
  
"Then you can keep them there" you smile and leave.  
  
I look at my tray. I’ll eat chocolate puddings for 4 days.  
   
 


	3. The Clan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My dear friends, thank you for your comments and your kudos! I look forward to read your thoughts on this one!
> 
> We'll learn a little more about Lexa and we'll get ready for a small step ahead in the end.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

**3\. The clan**  
  
"You're late, Anya" I say, when she finally gets in the car.         
  
"Well, try to slice and hang tons of meat and take the smell of death out of your clothes in less than ten minutes, then let me know how it goes" she growls back at me.       
  
She looks more tired than usual.     
  
"So, where are we going? Did Gus tell you where to meet?" I ask.       
  
"At the station"    
  
I start on the engine of my gray pick-up - a very expensive gift from my adoptive parents – and turn on the radio. With a car like this, I’m sure everyone here on Campus thinks I’m from Texas or something. I’m actually from Chicago. I grew up in an orphanage right on the West Jackson Boulevard District.  
When I got adopted by a family from the Minnesota’s countryside, I had some problems getting used to their BBQ parties, their flannel shirts and their pick up vans, so as soon as I could I came back to Chicago for College. However, I did keep the car.  
  
Now and then I wonder what would have happened to me if that day Bill and Tara hadn’t chosen me, if in my place they had brought home Anya or Indra, for example. Would I have ended up like them? Would I have started working in some cheap supermarket as well? Would I have gone in and out of jail, like them? When that thought crosses my mind, I feel guilty. They didn’t have anyone who would pay for College, they had to fend for themselves. Nobody chose them that day, or any other day.       
  
I grip the steering wheel, as I think of where to turn.  
I still remember the day Gus, the oldest of my brothers in the system, invented this awkward little game in which we had to play as if we were the last tribe, the last group of people alive on Earth. We were so young back then. We felt like that game was somehow real. Now that I think about it, for many of us it probably was. We truly felt like we were left alone on this planet, abandoned, left there to survive. For all of us this little gang is like the family we never had, it’s the place where we feel safe, appreciated, protected. But nothing good ever came from this.  
   
The name of the band came from Becca, she had named it "Trikru", because she said she liked the sound of it. We really had no idea what we were doing.  We got into this little secret of ours, just to “belong”, just to have something that could keep us away from what was going on in the Orphanage Institute.        
But later on, it became more than just a game, more than just a safe place, it became a weapon. An "eye for an eye, tooth for tooth" sort of thing.  
   
Gus started with little things, vandalism mostly. Every time that Mr. Jaha, locked him up somewhere, the day after Gus would go outside and break the window of his Mercedes. I used to laugh about it. I wasn’t able to recognize the dangers of that anger, of that repressed frustration. We just wanted to vent it, we wanted to address it and we wanted to do something with it. The band did that job for us and that was fine. We would spend days and days planning small revenges against the nuns who came to teach us the Sunday prayers.  
   
 Our plans were not dangerous though. At least not in the beginning. We would occasionally cut some tires, throw ice water from the bathroom windows down on the nuns, as they were coming up the stairs. Innocent things, you know? Childish things. But as the years went by, our anger grew.  
 Whenever a happy couple came in to visit us to decide who deserved their money or affection, every time they asked things like “is he healthy?”, “why is he so thin?”, “why is she so quiet?”, our frustration grew. And as those couples came and came, frustration became hatred, hatred became violence and with this combination the fire was inevitable.     
  
We spent our high school years in the same school with the supervision of our mentors, but as soon as we reached the age of eighteen we were free.  The Institute no longer had any interest in keeping us in, the funds of the State were just for minors, so if no one had adopted you by that time, you would have been sent somewhere else. Outside in the world.  
   
Neither Gus, Anya, nor Indra ever impressed anyone, they were not kids that you can easily take home, change their name and sing them goodnight. They were left on the streets, they were born out of desperation, drugs and unemployment.  
   
We always thought that once we were out of the system, we would have been better off, we would have left everything behind us, the Institute, the tutors, the nuns, the teachers. But we soon realized, that past was not easy to forget.  
   
 I was one of the "lucky" ones. I was sixteen when Bill and Tara decided to pick me. What exactly had convinced them I don’t know, if I look in the mirror the image I get back is the same Anya or Indra would have, filled with diffidence. I owe a lot to them though. They welcomed me in their home, they paid for College, but most importantly, they gave me understanding and respect. Tara and Bill never asked me anything I didn’t want to give them.  
   
 "You're quieter than usual, Lex" my sister’s voice brings me back from my own thoughts.  
   
"Sorry" I say, clearing my voice.  
   
"Did Gus tell you why he wanted to see us?" I ask, immediately after.  
   
"No, you know how Gus is, everything is too important to-” she starts saying.  
  
“Spoil it over the phone” I finish, imitating his deep voice. We both laugh.  
   
I can’t wait to meet everyone, it’s been a while since last time we were all together. The second I park in front of the train station, I realize how many cars are parked next to each other and I recognize most of them.  
   
Anya is the first to approach the group of people gathered in a circle not far from the entrance of the station. She immediately runs to Gus.  
   
"You’re always late!" Indra, welcomes us in her usual way.  
   
 I roll my eyes and shake her hand "Good to see you too, Indra".  
   
"What’s the last time we were all together? Costia’s funeral?" asks Damien, hugging Anya.  
   
_That name_ makes me wince.  
   
"Yeah. It means I had not seen your ugly faces for almost three years!" says Gus, and we know he is the only one able to play it down.  
   
"So, what’s going on, old man? Why did you want to meet?" says another, anticipating the question we all wanted to ask in the first place. We turn all to face Gus, waiting for an answer.  
   
"Brothers and sisters, I have called you all here because I have an announcement to make"  
   
The silence that rests on the Group turns my stomach upside down.  
   
"Today" he continues "our clan is bigger"  
   
We look at each other a bit perplexed.  
   
“What do you mean, Gus?" asks Indra, taking a step forward.  
   
We all have a bad feeling about this.  
   
"Indra, my sister, the Azgeda made us an offer I could not refuse"  
   
I freeze.  
The Azgeda clan is a gang of the South West District of Chicago, it is a large group, whose members are confined to the margins of society, like us, but for quite different reasons.  
   
"Gus, those are dangerous people, you know? I’m not sure I want anything to do with them…" finally someone has the courage to open his mouth, after a long silence.  
   
"Yeah, I heard they have killed people" warns Damien, lowering his voice.  
   
"Guys, listen. We are running out of ideas and we are short of money. I got fired from the kitchen- " begins Gus and me and Anya look at each other in shock.  
   
“What?! When?!” Anya’s voice is filled with anger.  
   
"Anya, it doesn’t matter now. Azgeda’s clan will give us a job, they are powerful around here now. Derek, for example, you’ve been looking for a job for two years now! They can find one for you. Aren’t you tired of being rejected by this fucked up system?"  
   
"What kind of job?" Derek seems to get curious and I feel sick.  
   
"A job, Derek. The point is…they ask easy things from us. I know it’s not our style, but if we want their favors, we’ll have to give up some contacts, maybe do a little dealing for them now and then, but that’s it. Me and Titus will deal with it, anyway, you won’t have to worry about it" Titus is Gustus’s best friend and the fact that he approves all of this makes me furious.  
   
No one knows what to say. Gus has just thrown us in the middle of a big mess, and we don’t even have a word to say. I clench my fists. My voice brakes the silence and I can almost feel the echoes of my words coming back at me.  
   
"That day in the South West store, that cop shot Costia because of them! Did you forget that, Gus? They thought she was one of their people, for fuck’sake! Azgeda caused nothing but trouble for us, since the day we got out of the system" I feel some tears knocking at my blue eyes doors now, but I have not finished yet.  
   
"She was pulling out a fucking phone, Gus! She wasn’t doing anything wrong! It could have been me, or Anya, or Indra, or Derek, or any of us, don’t you get it?! We lost her because of them!" I wipe some tears away with the sleeves of my grey sweatshirt.  
   
"Lex, you really think I don’t know that? You think I forgot? That’s exactly why I accepted. To protect you all. I will never let anything bad happen to any of you. Not again" he answers, leaving everyone confused.  
   
"What’s going on?" asks Anya, visibly worried.  
   
“I was threatened, A. We were all threatened. They said they’ll frame us, they know people in the police Department. They need our people to do their dirty work in the side of the town and I can no longer refuse to help. I tried to keep them away, you know damn well I did, but it didn’t work. So, yes, we’re at the last stop, boys. If me and Titus have to risk it, in order to protect you, then we’re up for it""  
   
“Gus, I won’t let you. Who knows what they’ll make us do!" Anya is furious.  
   
“No one here wants to end up in a cage, Gus. We know you're trying to protect us, to keep us together, but who's to say that at the first trouble, they won’t sell us like animals for slaughter to the police?”  
   
“I thought about. They need us. There are too many neighborhoods they don’t know here in Chicago. They want our experience. If they dare to betray us... "  
   
“What? We’ll get our guns and start a gang war? We’re no Los Santos and this ain’t LA, you know? The only weapons I have ever seen were in their hands! We’re just a group of young kids, Gus. Don’t you ever forget that" it’s Nylah’s turn to speak, now.  
   
"Trikru, do you trust me?" I hear him say, as he looks us all in the eyes.  
 Gus is the only reason why some of us are still alive, when he promised to protect us and to treat us all like his brothers, he, with his bushy beard and his thick shoulders, has never failed to do it.  
Costia was the only one he had failed to protect and it is something that will haunt him all his life.  
   
"Yes" is our answer and we say it all together, almost whispering.  
   
 "Then trust me. If something goes wrong, I will pull you out of this mess. I promise"  
   
"What should we do now?" asks Indra.  
   
"Nothing. They’ll contact me, when they need something"  
   
The conversation ends and we try to forget about it, at least for a while, heading towards our favorite fast food to grab a sandwich together. Just like the old days.  
   
For a moment, while I’m here eating with my brothers, the thought of you crosses my mind. What would you think of me? Would you call me a criminal? Would you be able to understand all the pain, the emptiness, the past that ties me to these people?  
   
We say goodbye at about six thirty in the evening and we’re ready to leave, when Gus grabs me by the hand.  
   
"Hey, not even a hug?" he says, visibly hurt.  
   
"Promise me you won’t fuck it up" I reply and he wants to say something, but I interrupt him "promise".  
   
He sighs, then opens his arms and waits for my hug "I promise, Captain"  
   
I smile at that nickname, which he gave me and Costia, the youngest of the group. He always said that me and her together we were a force of nature. Costia was younger than me, but she had such an attitude that in the end none of us wanted to mess with her really. Me and Costia became friends after a few months, we used to share the same bunk bed. We grew up together and with us our friendship as well. I never told her that, after a few years, she meant more than a friend to me. I never had the courage to tell her that my heart was about to explode every night waiting for her to get back in the dorm, whenever she decided to sneak out of the dorm to go to some party. I never told her that her laugh was the best “good morning” I could wish for all those years. I never told her that I loved every little thing she did, said or thought. I never told her and now she’s gone.  
   
"Planet Earth to Planet Lexa, hello? Can you come back down a sec?" once again is Anya’s job to pull me back to the ground, pushing me a little with her hand, before getting in the car.  
   
"Oh, I was thinking about all this ..." I say and it's a half-truth.  
   
"I know. It's a mess. But if Gus says we can trust him, we must" she tries to comfort me, but I don’t really know if she’s trying to convince me or if she’s trying to convince herself.  
   
"I hope you're right” I say, starting the engine and getting out of the parking lot.  
   
"Wake me up when we’re back on Campus, I have to order fruit for tomorrow morning" is the last thing I hear from her for the rest of the trip.  
   
I finally get back to my room at around half past eight. I throw my backpack next to the door, I change quickly and I get to bed. I stare at the ceiling for half an hour, my stomach burns and I feel nauseating. I’m ready to go to the bathroom and vomit, when I hear a knock on the door.  
   
When I see you at my door, with your ridiculously big and fluffy pajamas and your messy blond hair, I fear I might not be able to get to the bathroom in time.  
   
"Wow, you look terrible" you say, raising both your eyebrows.  
   
"Clarke" I somehow find the strength to say.  
   
"Is this a bad time?"  
   
_Yes._  
   
"No, it's just ... I think I ate something that didn’t agree with me and-" I start saying, holding a hand to my stomach.  
   
"Wait a second" you don’t need to hear more, you run into your room and come out with a white envelope.  
   
"Oh no, I don’t take medicines"  
   
"It is not a medicine, it’s a digestive. I always take it and it works in just 2 minutes. Guaranteed"  
   
 “I don’t trust people who work in that horrible infirmary room on the second floor" I reply, but you take it as a joke and we both smile.    
   
"I heard you were back in, so I thought I'd help you finish those puddings. But if you don’t feel too good, maybe it’s better if I-" you start saying.  
   
"You would do me a very big favor if you would finish them all, actually. As you can see, I have a rather delicate stomach”  
   
"Were you about to go to sleep? Because, uhm, Raven and Octavia are at that party they were talking about last time and I was going to watch a documentary, then I thought about those puddings" you confess, unsure of how to finish that sentence.  
   
"Here, I can give them all to you right now” I tell you as I step back in my room and get them from my mini bar.  
   
"Well, I do eat a lot, that’s true, but even I would have some trouble eating them all” you say, blushing a little bit. And you look so innocent, so different from the people I was with this afternoon.  
   
"You can offer them to Octavia and Raven, if you want" I suggest. You nod weakly, as if you wanted me to add something, but you take the four containers and try not to make them fall pushing them towards your chest.  
   
"Well, thank you then"  
   
"You're welcome, Clarke" I'm about to say goodbye, but you stop half way.  
   
"Would you like to see the documentary with me?"  
   
I hold my breath. _With you?_  
   
"Uhm-" I try to say, but I’m out of words. My brain just doesn’t want to cooperate.  
   
"I promise that if you take the digestive you'll be fine. The documentary is called Big Cats and it’s about a pride of African cats. In today's episode they’re going to finally introduce Nero, the alpha male of the lion pride. I promise it sounds a lot more interesting if you actually see it" you tell me.  
   
Are you trying to be friends with… _me_?  
With all the people in this College you are right in front of my door, perhaps only because it is the closest, maybe even just for the chocolate puddings, but you're choosing me. And only I know how important it is that someone decides to pick you, among all. I think maybe I can use a friend, after all.  
   
"I'll go get a glass of water in which I can pour this thing you gave me and I’ll be in your room, okay?” I say quietly, trying to capture every movement your eyes make.  
  
Your smile widens.  
  
"You will not regret, Alexa" you say and you can barely contain your enthusiasm, risking to drop all four of the chocolate puddings on the floor.  
   
You remind me of a girl I used to know. A girl I used to be.  
   
"Lexa" I say, almost whispering “you can call me Lexa".


	4. Big Cats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heeyy I'm baack!   
> So, this chap is really intense. We have lots of Clexa! And yes they actually talk for more than 10 minutes and yes they are in the same room and no, it's not a dream. We have lots of thoughts. We have lots of pain. We have a lot of typical Lexa and...did I mention Clexa?  
> We do have a little bit of Costia too, but I'm betting you don't really care about that, uh?  
> Good.   
> Hope you enjoy and, as usual, pleeeease let me know your thoughts!

**4\. Big Cats**  
   
I knock on your door three or four times before you finally open. As I look past you I can’t help but notice the mess that surrounds you. There are tees, bras and jeans pretty much everywhere possible in the room. The next thing I notice though, getting my eyes quickly back on you, is that look. You seem embarrassed and I find myself thinking that I’ve never seen you like that before.  
   
"Hey, sorry about that. Octavia and Raven are two tornadoes and I can’t always keep up with them..." you say, inviting me in.  
   
"Don’t worry, the shared rooms are always the messiest" I reassure you.  
   
"Sometimes I wish I had a single like you, you know? No queuing for the bathroom, no sharing food, no dealing with snoring roommates while you’re desperately trying to sleep..."  
   
"Well, yes. It has some advantages, that’s true, but if you hadn’t knocked on my door 15 minutes ago, I would probably still be vomiting in my bathroom. By myself. No one would have even noticed" I remind you. And you have no idea of how many times that actually happened to me.  
   
"Yeah, maybe sharing it with at least one roommate would be nice. Possibly not Raven, or ‘O. But hey, if you ever feel sick again I’m a door away. I have plenty of pills and digestives to feed you! All you have to do is knock on my door, okay?" you tell me and your words are so thoughtful. So kind.  
  
  
We barely know each other and you’re already offering me your disinterested help.  
   
"Thank you, Clarke, but I hope I won’t be needing any of your concoctions any time soon. That shit had a terrible taste" I say.  
   
You smirk and laugh a little. You were clearly aware of that small detail, but failed to tell me.  
   
 _Note to self: never trust a med student ever again._  
   
"Anyway, Raven and Octavia will probably be home late tonight. I’m pretty sure Octavia set her eyes on one of Bellamy’s friends, so if I know her well – and trust me, I do – she’ll rock that dance floor until someone brings her back to me" you smile at the thought, then add "so, this room will be as peaceful as ever for the duration of the entire episode of the documentary, no worries. Are you ready?"  
   
 "Ready" I confirm, trying to figure out where to sit.  
   
"My bed is the only one big enough, we can place the computer on a couple of pillows in front of us"  
   
I nod and I follow you.  
It's a strange feeling. I was sure this whole situation would have made me uncomfortable, but as you make room for me next to you on your bed, I feel nothing. A _good_ nothing.  
Now that we are close, so close that I can smell the perfume on your shirt and feel the warmness of your body next to mine, my heart beats steadily and it sounds like a peaceful _lub-dub-lub-dub-lub-dub._ My hands have stopped shaking and the anxiety of not knowing what to say or what to do is totally gone. I feel calm. I feel peace in and out of me. A kind of feeling I almost forgot I could feel.  
I take a look at you and the clan, Gus, Azgeda, they all seem so far away now. The stomachache is gone too.  
   
"I can’t believe you pressed pause again" I tell you, looking at you in disbelief after a few minutes.  
   
"But if I don’t explain this to you, you won’t understand what will happen next!" you justify yourself, with the most innocent look in the world.  
   
"Clarke, I know why the pride scared that young lion away.  He was a threat for the cubs" I say, then I add "you know, before biology, I wanted to study zoology, so I’m pretty sure I saw these kind of documentaries before".  
   
"Really? And you didn’t tell me…because? I spent the last half hour trying to explain things you probably know much better than me!" you give me a slight nudge and I try not to laugh.  
   
"Look, I didn’t have the courage to interrupt you, okay? You looked so excited!"  
   
“So, what changed your mind?”  
   
“What do you mean?”  
   
"I mean: why didn’t you choose zoology?" you’re suddenly serious again.    
   
"Well, I-" I murmur “my parents believed that zoology was not enough for me, for my future” I cut it short.  
   
"Why did you let them choose for you?" you’re looking carefully at me now.  
   
"Because I owe them a lot" I answer, resolved, before adding sarcastically "and at least I didn’t end up in a farm or something".  
   
"Wait a minute, a farm? Where the hell are you from? Texas?" you laugh with me, clapping both hands on your legs.  
   
"No, Minnesota, actually" I specify.  
   
"Minnesota? But you don’t have that accent" you notice, clearly confused.  
   
"That’s because I'm from Chicago. They’re from Minnesota. They are adoptive parents, Clarke" I clarify immediately, so you don’t have to figure it out yourself during this conversation.  
   
I try to smile at you, so that you understand that it's all right, it’s fine. I’m fine.  
   
"Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know…"  
   
"Of course you didn’t know, we never really talked to each other before.  It’s a miracle you actually remember my name. You do remember my name, right?" I ask, pushing you a little with my shoulder.  
   
You finally smile back.  
   
I don’t know how you managed to make me so at ease. I usually don’t talk about my adoptive parents. I've never given anyone so much confidence, so soon. You must be from some other planet, I find no other explanation.  
   
"Okay, then. No more talking. I promise I will not to interrupt the episode anymore" you say and I notice that look again. A naïve, innocent, look of embarrassment.  
   
You keep your promise and let the documentary end with no interruptions.  
   
"That lion really eat his own cubs” you say, still a bit shocked.  
   
"Well, it is not uncommon for lions to kill the cubs of their pride" I explain.  
   
"But…it makes no sense" you say.  
   
"Nature has different laws, Clarke. Actually, even for us giving birth, doesn’t necessarily make you a caring and loving parent" I tell you, whispering it more to myself, than to you.  
   
"It's sad" you whisper back, staring at the end credits of the episode.  
   
"It’s not sad. I think it's natural" I try to cheer you up, but you look like you’re deep in some thought.  
   
For a moment you turn around to look at me. You have a look that I don’t understand. I’m not sure, but it looks like you’re about to cry.  
   
"Can I ask you a question?" you ask.  
   
"Yes"  
   
"How old were you when ... I mean -" you try to say, but there is no need for you to finish that sentence. I already know what you’re about to ask.  
   
"I was three years old when I entered the Orphanage" I answer calmly.  
   
"Aren’t you…" your voice trembles and I'm not sure if that's because of my story or yours.  
   
"Angry at them ... I mean, for abandoning you?" you finally say, after a moment of hesitation.  
   
I sense that you _need_ an answer to that particular question.  
   
"Sometimes" I admit, with a sincerity that surprises even me.  
   
I realize I don’t have much else to say, really. So I look down.  
 _Sometimes._  
Sometimes I wish I could find their names and tell it to their faces what I went through because of them.  
   
"I'm sorry, Lexa" you whisper and you place your hand tenderly on my shoulder.  
   
You want to say something else, but we keep silent, for a while.  
   
Again this unusual peaceful feeling knocks on my door and I welcome it, as I lean my back and head against the wall, relaxing every muscle of my body.  
It feels as if I had waited for this moment all my life. As if you and I had met somewhere, somehow, some other time and this deep and profound connection I strangely feel with you had already been established for some reason. And it feels like we just found each other once again, in this time, in this space, in this room. My torments, my fears, our pain, find rest and peace in this room next to you. They find relief under your hand on my shoulder.  
I close my eyes for a second. I could stay like this all night.  
   
But the moment is interrupted by the sound of keys turning inside the lock. Raven and Octavia open the door and widen their eyes when they see us on your bed. I distance myself from you immediately. I can only imagine what people here think of me, I have no intention of giving them one more thing to say behind my back. Especially if that would involve you in some way.  
   
"Oh, sorry Clarke, we didn’t know you invited Alexa here" Octavia is the first to speak, but she doesn’t seem too surprised.  
   
"Why are you home so soon? But most of all: why do I get the feeling you’re not drunk?" you ask them, genuinely surprised.  
   
"Because the guy who Octavia is so desperately flirting with is apparently a really nice and serious guy. We didn’t see him drink once. Didn’t smoke. Didn’t dance, either. So, basically Octavia dragged me to that party just to drool like a little dog at this guy and then leave. Useless for me to say this was a fucking boring night!" explains Raven, while throwing herself on the bed giggling.  
   
"Stop it, that’s not true! We had fun. And I didn’t stare at him the whole night" Octavia replies, crossing her arms over her chest, still stuck in the middle of the room.  
   
"Octavia, I swear to whatever you want, if you start behaving like a sane person and you both come back this sober again, before one o'clock in the morning, I _will_ call an exorcist!" you exclaim, laughing like a child.  
   
"It won’t happen, Clarke, don’t worry. My brother knows him and he gave me his number. Next time you will not even see me coming back in this room!" she says, sticking out her tongue.  
   
"Well, good for you. That guy truly sells a good package: abs to die for and, well, a very nice bonus as well in other areas. If you all know what I mean" Raven answers back.  
   
"What?! You've already seen him naked?!" you ask, opening your mouth in absolute shock.  
   
"Of course not! Bell organized a pool party, we were all wearing a swimsuit" says Octavia, before you have time to formulate any other word.  
   
"Isn’t it forbidden to access the indoor pools after five in the afternoon?" I ask innocently, interrupting the conversation.  
   
All three turn to look at me. A tender smile appears on your lips. I raise my eyebrows. Maybe it's been too long since last time I’ve been to a party here on Campus.  
   
"Lexa, I have been on this Campus for 3 months and I have already been to 4 pool parties" you tell me, still smiling.  
   
"Yeah, I don’t think people around here have ever even read the college regulations. And those who did, couldn’t care less. Which is exactly what I do. I mean, we're in college, damn it! We’re allowed to have some fun, once in a while, you know?" Raven says, sitting down on her bed.  
   
I nod. I don’t completely agree with what she just said, but I guess listing her all the things that could actually go wrong mixing an unsupervised swimming pool, teenagers and a lot of alcohol is not the best way to end this conversation. And I'm starting to feel sleepy.  
   
"Well, cool. I might check it out sometime. I’ll let you girls go to sleep now" I say, getting up.  
   
"Will you watch tomorrow’s episode with me? We have to see if the lioness can heal from that zebra’s kick" you ask, as I reach the door.  
   
I immediately feel your roommates’ eyes all over me. I didn’t make a good impression on one of them the first time I met her, I know that, but there’s something more than just that. I can almost feel them trying to monitor the situation here. I know that look. They’re protecting you.  
Are they trying to protect you _from me_? Are these rumors about me _that bad?_ I shudder.  
   
"I'm not sure I'm free tomorrow night, but I’ll let you know. Thanks for everything, Clarke" my armor is back on my skin.  
   
"Oh. Ok. Sure. No problem. Maybe I'll see you at lunch, then" you insist and you're not good at hiding a certain level of disappointment. I can detect in your voice.  
   
“Goodnight” I tell your friends, then turn to you “’night, Clarke”.  
   
"Goodnight!" you repeat, giving me one last smile.  
   
"Lexa?" you call me back, just before I step inside my room. I get back outside and look at you.  
   
"Yes?"  
   
"I’m sorry, I forgot to ask you before. How's your stomach?"  
   
"Good. Your awful digestive worked, I guess" I admit, but I’m not sure if it was the medicine really or if it was you.  
   
"Good. My duty here is done" you say, satisfied.  
   
I’m very aware of the fact that, as soon as I get inside my room, your friends will ask you questions. I honestly don’t know how you will be able to explain all of this, because if you're feeling the same things I’m feeling right now, you won’t find the words to describe any of this. It’s like nothing I have ever felt before. I feel like I’m being completely crushed by all these emotions and I can’t quite define them either. We barely know each other, we have nothing in common, your friends hate me and I usually couldn’t care less about any of this.  
   
 _Love is weakness._  
   
I had to learn it the hard way, but it always worked for me. I stopped caring. I stopped hurting. I stopped risking. I was safe.  
You can’t just come into my life like this.  
You don’t know what it was like for me. You didn’t grow up with me, you didn’t share the same bunk bed with me for years, you didn’t listen to all my stories, my fears, you were not there to dry away my tears.  
You’re not her.  
   
And yet this room of mine feels lonely now, for the first time in three years.  
   
And it suddenly hits me. And I feel ashamed. And I feel guilty.  
You’re no longer just the girl next door. You’re no longer just another stranger I see every day in college.    
I care about you, for some reason. I stopped ignoring you, like I ignore everybody else, the moment you started caring for me that day in the woods, during the field trip.  
   
“I’m sorry” I whisper to myself, before falling asleep. And I wish I could stop these thoughts, for her, for Costia, for the only one who deserved, for the only one whom I’d risk it all for. I wish I could freeze time to where we were, long before “love is weakness” ever crossed my mind, long before she was gone. And just stay there.  
I’m trying, but this voice keeps calling me back. It wants me to wake up and I just…I want to know what else it has to say.  
   
My stomach hurts again.  
This voice. It sounds like yours.


	5. The party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, we're getting closer to the cheesy Clexa we love.  
> Hold on tight, this chap's road might get a little bumpy.
> 
> Kudos and comments always appreciated. Thank you all, lovely kru <3

**5\. The party**  
   
I'm afraid to start this day, after last night, after my thoughts. I'm afraid to leave this room and face whatever look you have decided to reserve for me today. I wish I could just stay in bed, but I have class at nine. I sit up with a jump and start to get dressed.  
   
At around 1pm I tiredly get ready for lunch. When I get in line, looking pretty much like a zombie, I can’t help but look for you. I scan the room, look through the tables, look at my usual spot and I don’t find you.  
A part of me is happy you’re not around. The other part is already freaking out thinking all the possible reasons why you would miss your favorite part of the day. Perhaps, you're trying to avoid me. Maybe your roommates told you terrible things about me and now you don’t want to be friends anymore.  
   
I get my lunch, eat it quickly and get back to my room. On my way up to the stairs, a guy stops me.   
  
“Hi, my name is Finn, can I give you this flyer? We’re organizing a party at the pool tonight at around 6 pm, if you would like to come…”  
   
I take the flyer, smile politely and get the hell out of his way.  
   
I throw myself on the bed as soon as I get in and I fall asleep almost immediately. I wake up a few hours later, with the sound of an sms. I rub my eyes a bit and put my hand in the backpack to pull my phone out. I grab the glasses off the nightstand and I click on the message.  
   
 _Anya:_  
Lex, don’t be late tonight and don’t get out alone.  
   
I know that if I reply “why?” she’ll just ignore me as usual.  
  
 _Lexa:_  
What was that supposed to mean?         
  
I look at the time. 6:00 pm. I need coffee. This time that horrible brown liquid from the first floor coffee machine has to be enough, because I don’t have the strength to reach the campus bar. I leave the room without even brushing my hair. In the hallway I hear Octavia and Raven’s voices coming from the stairs, I stiffen immediately and curse at the damn coffee machine that’s taking forever to fill one regular cup.  
   
"I think she just wants to be alone today. We’ll try to cheer her up later on. We’ll take her somewhere so she can stop thinking about it for a while” I hear Octavia say, as they come closer.  
   
"I met a guy today in the cafeteria, a certain Finn, he says they are organizing another party tonight, maybe we can take her there”    
   
They lower their voices only when they reach the corridor and find me trying to get back in my room. I quickly get in, without looking at them.  
   
Without thinking twice, I reach for my bag and get that flyer out.  
Something is worrying me.  
   
 _Anya’s text._  
   
I grab my phone again and I try to call her.  
   
"Come on, pick up the damn phone" I whisper, but after a while I hear her answering machine. I try calling Gus, but his phone is turned off. I try Indra, she says she’s out of town today and has no idea of the whereabouts of the others. Something’s fishy.  
   
Then I hear your voice for the first time today. It’s coming from the hallway and I freeze when I hear Octavia's voice saying "Clarke, tonight we'll take care of you. You'll have fun, I promise".  
   
 _You’re going to the party_.  
   
I have a terrible feeling, I can’t address it clearly, but when you grow up like me and see the things I saw my entire life, well, you kinda get used to it. It’s like a gut feeling that you develop for your own survival. It’s the little things, like a cryptic text from your sister that never ever cares about what you do during the day, or with who you hang at night, which strangely asks you to be careful tonight.  
   
I press my hand on my forehead, trying to calm down a moment and figure out what to do. I don’t have to think about it too much though. I’m already looking for my jacket.  
   
It wasn’t hard to find the party. You could hear the horrible music from a mile away. Once there the first thing I do is get myself a beer.  
It's freezing cold outside, but in here the temperature is unbelievably hot and I feel like I’m about to suffocate. I take my jacket off immediately. The condensation that's in here due to the ridiculous amount of people and the heating system turned on high forces me to clean my glasses several times, but finally, after a few minutes, I find you.  
You’re dancing with your friends, drinking from every glass you find.  
   
 _Undressed, already in your swimsuit._ I notice.  
   
I hold my breath for a second. I try my best not to look your way, but you’re not making things easy for me. The music is earsplitting and all I can see is you, dancing with your body compressed between two guys. A little drop of sweat is slipping from your neck and I slowly follow its direction from where I stand. I can only imagine where it’s going, but I force myself to stop looking.  
   
You’re now screaming and I turn around instantly to see you jump inside the pool, inviting everyone to follow you. I panic, you don’t even look like you’re able to float, but those two guys jump a few seconds after you. They’re of course ready to “help” you.  
I turn around again. I grip the can of beer as hard as I can.  
   
 _Lexa, stop it._  
   
I’m only here to watch out for you. You’re drunk, your friends are drunk and I just, I just want to be there for you if anything goes wrong.  
I get another beer.  
   
"Well, well, well, if it isn’t Alexa Woods. I’ve never seen you at a party!” this girl says to me, with the cheekiest smile ever.  
   
"Are you talking to me?" I ask, looking around.  
   
"Yep. You're in my chemistry class" she replies.  
   
“Ah” I say and I would like to end the conversation here, but this girl has no intention to leave.  
   
"So, how did your last exam go? Usual A+?” she asks me, sipping her beer.  
   
"I bet you want me to say yes, so you can make fun of me a little more with your friends tomorrow, don’t you?" my voice is resentful, I’ve been wanting to say this for a long time, actually. Nothing a couple of beers and an empty stomach can’t do at the moment, I guess.  
   
"A bit harsh, Woods. We like to fool around, you know? Nothing personal”  
  
I don’t answer.    
  
  
"Listen, let’s call it a truce, okay? We’ve been in the same core modules for almost 3 years now and I don’t even think you know my name. I’m Harper”  
   
“I know” I say.  
   
“Okay. Now that we made peace, I should tell you, as a friend, that this is a pool party. So you should take your clothes off" she says, with a smirk on her face.  
   
“Not in your lifetime, Harp” I answer and I move away.  
   
I focus on the pool again, to see if I can still find you there, but you’re not. I make my way through a crowd of sweaty teenagers and I can see Raven and Octavia dancing, but you’re not with them. I grab my jacket and I start looking for you outside.  
After that infernal heat, the freezing cold wind of Chicago hits my face and gets directly inside my bones. I walk for about ten minutes, I check all the paths that lead from the gazebo to our dormitory. But you’re nowhere to be found.  
   
  _Where have you gone, Clarke?_  
   
Until, finally, I hear your voice. The sense of relief lasts less than a second, when I hear the words you're saying.  
   
"Let me go, I told you already! I have nothing!"  
   
I can’t understand where it’s coming from, so I turn around and hope to hear your voice again so I can choose which way to go.  
   
 "Don’t you dare touch me, you filthy animal!"  
   
I clench my fists. I’m in total panic, but this time your voice is guiding me closer to where you are.  
   
"It’s better if you don’t raise your voice, woman!" I hear a second voice.  
   
I see you. You're on the sidewalk, just outside the gates. In front of you there is a man dressed in a black leather jacket, a gray winter hat and a pair of ripped jeans. You're still completely wet from the pool and the clothes you wear are soaked. The man is holding you by the arm, while you hold your bag tight on your chest. I run towards you. My heart is pumping in my ears, the view is a blur and I fear I might pass out at any moment.  
   
"Leave her, now!" I scream at the top of my voice, as I reach you.  
   
The man turns around for a moment, then turns back to you, pushing you to the ground. You clearly don’t have the strength to oppose any resistance and because of the level of alcohol in you, you hit the ground in a second.  
   
I look at you, there on the cold pavement, wet, with your bag still tight in your hands. I clamp my lips and get my eyes back on the man.  
   
"How nice of you to join the party, is she a friend of yours?" he asks you, laughing.  
   
"Let her go" I beg him.  
   
"Oh, oh! Look at that. We have a hero here, don’t we?" he says.  
   
You raise your face and look at me. Your eyes are a different blue, a desperate shade of blue. Your tears are falling on your face and no one here is able to stop them. I can’t look at you like that.  
   
"Look, tell me what you want. Do you want money? Here, take mine” I pull out my wallet from my back pocket. I don’t have much, but Tara and Bill sent me some the other day.  
   
"Well, you see little girl? It was this easy. Your friend here is much smarter than you! Now you give me your bag and we can all go home" he says to you, pulling you up from the ground. Your lament freezes my blood.  
   
"What the fuck do you want more? Can’t you just take this money and leave us alone?" I shout to his face.  
   
I don’t think he liked the tone of my voice or me getting to his face, because he jumps up and grabs me with an amount of violence I had never experienced before. Not even in the Institute. I feel his warm breath up on my face and I can smell alcohol everywhere. I wince at his violent grip. Then my eyes notice something along is neck. A tattoo. The thick curved black line that ends in a half-moon reminds me of something.  
   
 _Azgeda._  
   
The blood now swells some veins on his temples, neck, wrists, my eyes are moving frantically right and left while I collect all the strength in my body to free myself from his grip. He takes a step back, surprised by my reaction.  
   
I don’t open my mouth, I pull back and I slowly lift up my jacket and let it slide on the ground. He looks at me carefully, trying to figure out what I'm doing. His expression changes immediately when he sees me lifting up the shirt as well. I just lift it enough to give him a glimpse of the tattoo that covers my back, starting from the neck down to the end of my back. The black ink on my skin draws two long thin lines that break the first circle on top, right next to the shoulder blades, then down a fall of broken lines meet with 6 other circles, large and small, to the end of my back. The circles are my brothers and my sisters, the broken lines are the bonds that we lost. The lines never center any of the circles, they touch them, but they never get inside of them. It’s the tattoo of our family, of our clan. It symbolizes all that we are, all that has united us in the past.  
   
As I look at him with all the hate and anger that I am capable of, I turn my eyes on you. I meet your eyes for a second and I realize that after tonight, I'm afraid I'll have to explain things I never told anyone. The man who pushed you to the ground now takes a careful look at the tattoo that covers my back and I order him to let you go. I can't really hide from you anymore. I thought I would have never had to do this again, I thought I would have been far from all of it by now. I thought I was out of the system, I thought I would have been able to leave all that I was, all that I had to be, behind me. But I was wrong. Everything is still here, written on my skin. It’s coming back for more.  
   
 _We are what we are_ I repeat to myself.  
   
But tonight, the only thing that matters is to take you home safely.  
   
"Trikru" the man whispers. He recognized the tattoo. I let my shirt cover my skin again. I look at him straight in the eyes, I'm sure he can feel it now. All the hate, all the hatred, all the rage.  
   
"I didn't-" he stutters "I didn’t know this was your area. I was told to-  
   
"Leave" I order, now fully in control. Whatever the agreement Gus made with the Azgeda clan leaders, it must be something important.  
   
“You’re not going to tell the others, are you?” he asks, with a flicker of fear in his cold, dull, eyes.  
   
I don’t answer and he finally leaves, quickening his pace, turning to look at me a couple more times before he’s gone. I remain still. My body is quickly releasing all the adrenaline and the fear of the moment, leaving me petrified.  
   
I pick up my jacket from the ground and I put it on your shoulders. Your arms immediately wrap me in a hug. You don’t say a word. Your body is weak against mine, you’re short of breath. I’m almost afraid of hurting you if I hold on too tight.  
   
"Shh, it's okay, Clarke. You're safe" I say in a whisper, drying some of your tears.  
   
"I’ll help you get back to your room" I add, calmly.  
   
 _You're safe, Clarke._


	6. Clarke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi lovely ones, so this chapter is all about Clarke's point of view. From chapter number 7 we will have both Lexa and Clarke's POV throughout the chapters.  
> You will recognize the switch whenever this symbol ".:." appears in the text (I'll write this again in the next summary anyway).
> 
> Clarke wakes up after what happened the night before. Says she's sorry way too many times (usual Clarke, right?)  
> She tries to face the fact that she has been assaulted by a stranger, but most of all she wants to reach out to the girl who saved her life.
> 
> We'll also get to know Abby Griffin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excited to finally meet Clarke's thoughts? Well, this (and the others to come) chapter is for you then!
> 
> BTW, I'm so glad 53 of you guys seem to be enjoying this trip we're taking together. It means a lot to me. It's like we're walking hand in hand through these corridors, knocking on these two cupcake's doors and watching them slowly fall for each other...just like we used to do during the show, before ****someone**** decided to ruin it all. So thank you for sticking with me and this story. You're the best!

**6\. Clarke**  
   
I wake up with a buzz in my head. I’ve been hangover before, yes, but this feels different. This feels like someone’s drilling a whole inside my head. I press both hands on face. I can’t convince myself to open my eyes just yet. A shiver runs down my spine and I begin seeing repeated flashes of the previous night before my eyes. They look like old polaroids placed inside the pages of someone’s album. Except I'm in them. In all of them.  
There’s me taking my clothes off, me jumping inside the pool. I see Raven and Octavia and I’m dancing beside them, they’re laughing and I can still hear the music going in my head. After that it is all very confusing. I feel cold. The images get blurry, I hear a voice and it is enough to make me curl up a little more under the covers.  
   
_That cold. That smell. That look. Those hands._  
   
I want to stop this, so I open my eyes, slowly, because I'm afraid to see. I'm afraid to wake up and find that it wasn’t just a dream. I don't want to find that the bruises on my arms are real.  
   
I lift my sleeve and it's right there. The sign of those fingers still impressed on my white pale skin, now colored by the blood coagulated underneath. I wish I could cry, but I fear I don’t have the strength. I wish I could scream, but I’m sure my voice would die inside my throat.  
   
Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I’ve always been kind to everyone. I thought this could have never happened to me.  
   
_How stupid of me._  
   
I would like to get back to sleep, close my eyes and forget about it, but the noises in my room are now forcing me to pay attention.  
   
"We were so worried! We got distracted for a moment and we just…we lost her"  
   
"We looked for her everywhere…"  
   
"It’s a miracle you happened to be around, Alexa. Thank you"  
   
"I didn’t do much, really. Just gave him the money and he was gone"  
   
_Your voice._  
   
I hear the door open and I see Raven sticking her head to see if I’m awake.  
   
"She woke up" I hear her say in the hallway.  
   
After a while the door opens again. The light coming from the corridor is so bright that I have to squint. I let out a groan.  
   
"Clarke" you call me softly, with your own way of saying my name that is so weird, but at the same time…so _yours_.  
   
Your voice is full of concern.  
   
"I'm fine" I try to reassure you, ignoring the lump in my throat.  
   
"You almost gave us a heart attack, Clarke Griffin!" Raven is furious, but she’s not mad at me, if I know her well enough, she’s mad at herself.  
   
“Alexa told us what happened last night! She got you back to our room" says Octavia, with the voice of someone who can finally breathe after a night of worrying. I lift the covers up just enough to see I have my pyjama on and I don’t remember putting it on.  
   
"That’s the only one I found, it was on your bed. I also used some towels from the bathroom to warm you up before putting you to bed" you explain, anticipating my question. I feel my cheeks heat a little bit.  
   
_Great._  
   
"Thank you, Lexa" is all I manage to say.  
You save my life, you drag me up the stairs safely into my room, having to deal with god knows what state I was in...and all I can say to you is “thank you”?  
   
_How more stupid can I get?_  
   
"Hey, I want you to rest and forget about it now, okay? Can you do that for me?" I hear you say and I have the feeling you're about to leave. And I feel like I don’t want you to.  
I’m about to say something, but Raven interrupts my train of thoughts.  
   
"We called your mother, Clarke, she should arrive in about an hour. She said she couldn’t stay long, but wanted to spend the afternoon with you" she announces.  
   
You stand up from beside my bed and say something to my friends. You give me one last look, before opening the door.  
Your big beautiful green eyes seem so tired, so worried.  
   
_I’m so sorry_.  
   
“See you, Clarke” you say and I nod. You leave.  
   
"Thank you for calling my mom" I say to Raven after a few moments of silence.  
   
I haven’t seen my mom for about a month and I'm sorry she has to come here for this. Especially knowing that yesterday was a difficult day for her too.  
   
At the thought I can’t hold my tears any longer.  
   
"Hey, hey, don’t cry. It's all right, Clarke, nothing happened. You’re fine!" Raven immediately tries to reassure me, kneeling beside my bed and stroking my hair.  
   
"I miss him so much, Rae" I feel like dying just to say it.  
   
"I know, Clarke. We all miss your dad”  
   
“Last night we wanted to keep you away from that thought, we wanted to make you laugh for a couple of hours…we should have paid more attention, I’m sorry. We’re terrible friends” I hear Octavia say.  
   
“Girls, it wasn’t your fault, you know that. I exaggerated. I was such an idiot. That guy could have... " I try to finish the sentence, but fear stops me. Just the thought makes me wince.  
   
"Don’t worry, he’s gone" O’ says.  
   
I get out of bed and I take a shower, my hair is still wet from the night before and my neck hurts terribly. When I look in the mirror in the bathroom I notice three large bruises on my legs and some others along my arms. Last night could have been much worse.  
You've pulled me out of a very bad situation. And I’m trying to remember more of what you did last night for me, but the only clear thing I can recall right now is your voice telling me "you’re safe" and the feeling that I was. I really was safe. Everything else is a mess.  
   
Who would have ever thought that the girl who people around here call "the loner from the first floor", this quiet, small tiny girl from my next-door room, one day would have been the one to save my life.  
   
I dress and I dry my hair, when I finish I leave the bathroom and go downstairs to wait for my mom at the entrance.  
   
"Clarke" I hear someone calling. I turn around and I find Bellamy along with his friend.  
   
"Hey" I greet them with as much enthusiasm as I can, given my psychological status.  
   
"I heard about what happened last night! How are you?" Octavia’s brother, Bellamy, asks me.  
   
"It's nothing Bell, just a couple of bruises and a bad cold" I reply.  
   
Meanwhile I notice his friend staring strangely at me, I turn to him and I offer my hand.  
   
"I suppose you already know who I am, because soon the whole campus will too, but anyhow, I’m Clarke" I tell him and he smiles at me.  
   
"Lincoln Washington" he says, shaking my hand.  
   
Ah-ah, the famous Lincoln, Octavia’s new crush.  
   
"You two actually met already last night, but perhaps you forgot… given the state you were after the third drink" Bellamy specifies, trying to cheer me up.  
   
“Oh, I’m sorry, last night memories are a bit confused..." I try to justify myself.  
   
"Maybe it’s a good thing you don’t remember much” Bell’s friend answers to that, a bit cryptically, and I nod weakly.  
   
“Yeah, I guess you’re right”  
   
"Anyway, Clarke, I want you to know that we have organized patrols all around campus and we also involved the other brotherhoods. You will all be safe now, I promise. There will be at least four of us every night watching over campus"  
   
Four teenagers around campus with a beer in their hands don’t exactly make me feel safer, but I appreciate the gesture.  
   
"Thanks guys” I say and I can’t help but notice Bellamy’s friend nodding like a soldier.  
   
_What a strange guy_.  
   
After a few minutes I hear my mother's voice, coming from the main doors.  
   
"Oh, my baby girl!" I embrace her hug with all the strength I have left in my body. I really needed to see her.  
   
We get to my room straight away and I start to tell her everything that happened to me, or at least, all that I remember of.  
She nods and sighs from time to time, letting me get it out of my chest.  
   
"Why don’t we go to the police together?" she asks.  
   
"No, mom, I can’t, I would put all my friends who organized the party in trouble" she nods, knowing there will be nothing able to convince me to do it.  
   
"Clarke, how many times have I told you not to drink too much, baby, you know it’s dangerous!"  
   
"Mom, yesterday ..." I interrupt her, my voice is a whisper.  
   
"I know, Clarke. It's a tough day for all of us and each year gets tougher without Jack. But it won’t always be like that, do you understand? Sooner or later it will get better, we’ll only remember the good times and it won’t hurt as much. You can’t do this to yourself every time, Clarke, I can’t protect you from where I am and God only knows how I wish we were closer, but we’re not. What if that girl didn’t see you out there last night? How could I ever forgive myself for not being there for you?" her voice is scared and I feel guilty now.  
   
Dad's death has not only changed my life, but also that of my mother’s and I can’t do this to her every anniversary of his death. It has already been tough on her as it is, she clearly doesn’t need her 22 year old daughter act like a child. When will I learn to deal with things as an adult? When will I allow my mother to stop worrying about me and get over the pain we both carry around?  
   
"Sorry, Mom" I look down, resting my head on her lap.  
   
"The important thing is you're all right now" she says, giving me a kiss on the forehead.  
  
“By the way, Octavia on the phone told me about that girl, what’s her name? She told me this friend of yours gave that guy some money? The least we can do is to give her the money back" my mom says.  
   
I didn’t even know you had to give him money. I shake my head.  
   
"She’s next door” I say.  
   
"Can we go?" she asks and I nod, feeling some kind of emotion I can’t quite address. I get up and together we come knocking on your door. I knock three or four times, but I get no response.  
   
"She’s not in her room” I say, a little disappointed. I don’t know why, but I would have liked you to meet my mom.  
   
"Okay, I’ll give you twice the money you need for the month, please make sure you give whatever amount back to her” she says and leaves me a white envelope with money inside. The gives me a kiss on the cheek.  
   
"Thank you, mom”  
   
“I have to go now, honey. Call you as soon as I get home, okay?”  
   
“Okay. Love you” I say, wishing she could stay more.  
   
“Love you too, Clarke” she says, getting her bag and leaving the room.  
   
I don’t want to be alone today, so I immediately go downstairs for dinner. Octavia and Raven saved a spot for me at their table. Jasper and Monty are happy to see me and it is clear they already know about what happened. Good. I don’t feel like saying it aloud once again.  
   
"Hey” I say, smiling and greeting them all.  
   
"We got you some food, so you don’t have to get in line" says Raven.  
   
“Thanks” I say, finally starting to feel hungry.  
   
"So, at least this happened to me during the break. I have 6 days of rest and tv show binge watching waiting for me. Not too bad, uh?" I say, trying to cheer everyone a bit.  
They don’t look too convinced, tough.  
I find myself looking for you at your usual spot next to the trash cans. You’re usually always there, all alone, with a book in your hand or staring out the window or something. But you’re not there today.  
   
"What are you looking at?" Octavia interrupts me and I boggle, caught by surprise.  
   
"Hmm? No one. It’s just that…I feel all eyes are on me today! How many have you guys told about yesterday?" I cover it up, changing the subject.  
   
"I've only told my brother, but he made it now a matter of survival. Within an hour all the brotherhoods of the Cam knew- He’s nuts. You know he likes to play soldier from time to time" Octavia replies, shrugging her shoulders.  
   
"Everyone here is super surprised that miss -Idontsayawordtoanyone- came to save you. In a situation like that we kinda all expected her to ignore the thing and pass on, you know?" Monty says with his mouth still full and his words upset me a bit.  
   
"Well, you’re all wrong. She faced that guy and gave him the money. She doesn’t even know me that well. She could have left me there and call someone, instead she came to help me straight away" I explain, noticing resentfulness in my tone.  
   
I always heard strange things about you, but now I find myself caring about it a little too often. I wish they would just stop talking about you. After all, no one really knows you. Myself included.  
   
"Okay, true, but listen. Some people are saying that she looks like she has something to hide, like, have you ever seen her friends? The ones that hang around campus from time to time? They’re weird. Seriously. They look like they're members of some kind of sect!" Jasper starts whispering almost to my face.  
   
“What if that guy was one of her friends?!” Jaspers continues and I feel so sorry for you.  
It’s not fair.  
   
"Do you even hear yourself? What are you? Twelve? A sect?! Really, Jasper?” I answer, raising my voice.  
   
"Well, Octavia said you don’t remember much about what she said to that man so..."  
   
“Jasper, seriously, enough. Your friends are full of imagination and smoke too much pot” Raven tries to cut it out.  
   
“But I’ve seen her friends! I’m telling you, something’s weird about the whole thing!” he just doesn’t give up.  
   
I’m about to say something else, but I hear your voice and I immediately turn around to look for you.  
   
You're out the door of the kitchen, a little far from my table. It seems like you're arguing with what I believe at this point to be your sister.  This girl you’re talking to is very tall and slender, but her eyes have something completely different from yours, they’re thin, oriental, dark. She has blonde straight hair that have nothing to do with yours. Perhaps when you said sister you meant "adoptive sister", I think to myself. That would make more sense.  
   
I then realize she’s wearing a white butcher's parapet, all smeared with blood, and tucked in her front pocket I can spot two large knife handles. Everyone at my table seem to have noticed the same thing and are now swallowing their food loudly.  
   
"A sect, I’m telling you! And that woman there is definitely the head master!” Jasper's voice is a whisper again, really believing the things he says.  
   
We all look at her for a moment and for that moment a strange silence pervades us all, then fortunately we look at each other and shake our heads laughing.  
   
“A sect. Pff. Ridiculous!"  
   
"The blond woman is a bit scary, though” Raven says, raising her eyebrows.  
   
That woman is now looking at me and I shudder for a moment. You’re looking my way as well and you look furious.  
Are you telling her about last night?   
   
Maybe this whole thing has made you uncomfortable? Maybe you didn’t want the whole school to talk about you. Maybe you’re angry at me now for having put you under the spot light. I silently curse at my friends.   
   
As soon as your sister gets back inside the kitchen, you hesitantly reach my table. I see Jasper and Monty shrink on their chairs. Raven and Octavia pretend not look your way. I’m the only one who makes eye contact with you. There is something in that look that scares me. You’re a mystery to me, but you feel like a good one.  
   
As soon as you're close enough to see me, I pull out my best smile. I like the way your eyes light up when I do that. You usually carry them around behind those glasses and it's not easy to notice their color. It’s a shame, they’re such a unique and intense green.  
   
Now you're just a step away from my table. You greet my friends with a brief “hi”, then place a bunch of muffins on the table.  
   
"Sorry, there were not many left" you announce.  
   
"I should be the one giving you something, since I am deeply indebted with you" I say, somewhat surprised.  
   
"Yes, well, there is one thing you could do actually" you say and your voice turns a bit cold. I raise my eyebrows and wait for it.  
   
"Could you please stop telling this story around? I don’t want people to think of me as some kind of hero, cause I’m not, okay?"  
   
_Oh, if this bothers you, you should hear what else they say about you._  
   
"But it’s true, you-" I try to say, but your eyes are asking me to stop.  
   
"Okay" I conclude.  
   
"Thank you" you say as you’re about to leave.  
   
"Thank you, for the muffins too, I mean” I almost want to get up and invite you to sit down, but I pick up signals coming from your expression that advise it might not be a great idea.  
   
_What's wrong?_  
   
"You’re welcome. Have a good day, guys” you say and you leave.  
   
Raven has again raised her eyebrows, Octavia has the “what the fuck?” expression she usually has in these kind of situations, and Jasper and Monty are simply terrified.  
   
As I finish my dinner I decide that, afterwards, I’ll come knocking on your door. After all, you faced that man too and no one here cared to ask how _you_ were. Just like that day in the woods. It’s like nobody cares about you and it bothers me.   
   
I get to your door for the second time today and I knock again.  
I hope to see you pop out, with those eyes of yours, with your hair carefully placed on one side of your shoulders, with your expression so surprised every time someone tries to talk to you.  
   
It is eight o'clock in the evening and you are not in the room. I wonder what have you been doing all day? Where have you been?  
   
I get back to my room by myself and the horrible feelings of the past two days I’ve tried so desperately to swap under the rug are coming back, leaving me almost out of breath. I don’t know how I managed to avoid them until now. I try to keep calm and I put on my pyjama with a series of automatic gestures. Raven and Octavia speak to me for about twenty minutes, tell me what they want to during these six days of holiday break and ask me what I want to do. I mechanically reply that I'll think about it tomorrow.  
   
I close my eyes and I pray that sleep gives me that bit of relief that I so desperately need.  
   
_That voice. His face again. The asphalt, so hard, so cold. His hands are coming back for me, only they’re not stopping now, they’re moving viciously on my skin, they reach my neck and there’s nobody around that can save me. I'm breathless, I don’t find the strength to lift a finger._  
_I give one last look to the sky and I see a plane._  
   
I think of how much my dad wanted to make that trip, to get that new job for me, for the arrival of my sister, for mom. I think of how lonely he must have felt on that plane that day.  
   
_His hands around my neck are clutching stronger. The plane is crashing down. The white and grey smoke trail in the sky is the last thing I see._  
   
I open my eyes and I am a pull of sweat. Raven and Octavia are still sleeping and I’m trembling like crazy, feeling like I can’t breathe. I recognize all the symptoms. I’m having a panic attack.  
   
_It is not real. It is not real. Breathe. Breathe._  
   
I keep repeating to myself, just as my psychologist told me years ago during my therapy. He used to say that it was perfectly normal for me to suffer from post-traumatic stress after my father’s death, he said that in such cases the only thing I had to do was to breathe and get to a place where I felt safe.  
   
_You're safe, Clarke._  
   
I keep hearing in my head.  
I’m clearly not capable of thinking this through, because without thinking twice, I cover myself with the blanket and get outside my room. I’m embarrassed, I’m ashamed, I’m terrified and I wish I could go back to sleep, but I’m already here, outside your door, for the third time today. It’s 2:00 am. I really wouldn’t want to wake you up, not after last night, not after all you’ve already done for me.  
   
Yet I can’t help it. I knock on your door.  
   
After a few seconds I hear some steps.


	7. Safe Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's chpt number 7, all for you guys!
> 
> Thank you for sticking with me. It's a pleasure sharing this with you, especially now that season 4 is out. We have to stick together, we have to shake these triggers off. So here is a little cheesy Clexa AU moment. 
> 
> We loved her too, Clarke. (*insert tears here*)
> 
> ____________  
> Clarke is scared after the assault.  
> It's 2:00 am, but she knocks on Lexa's door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you see this ".:." it means the point of view is changed.

**7\. Safe place**  
   
Two weeks. It only took two weeks to mess my life up again. Not that I'm not used to it, of course. I have learned at a very young age that everything you think you know, everything you’ve learned to accept and love can blow up in your face at any moment. It takes a “yes, we’ll take her” from two strangers and you’re taken away from your friends, your filthy bunk bed and before you even have time to think about it, you’re sitting in this new big house, filling this couple’s emptiness with your presence. You learn to accept that and you eventually understand that you’ve been blessed with a nice home and that you can still get to see your brothers and sisters whenever you want. You understand that the girl you’ve shared your whole life with - up to that point - will still be around and you’ll make plans to see her, maybe not every day like you were used to, but enough for your heart to keep beating.  
Then life hits again. You get a call and you learn that she’s dead, that she was hit by a stray bullet in the middle of a fucking parking lot and just like that the most important person of your life is gone. And you’re alone again.  
You will never accept that, really, but you learn to move on. At least you try.  
   
You try by making all these little plans for your life. You decide to go to College, you move back to Chicago and reach out to your brothers. You wake up, get a cup of coffee, go to class, do your homework, eat, drink, get back to sleep. Every day. You make it _easier_ for yourself. You make it bearable.  
You _survive._  
   
Despite all my efforts to keep my life together, though, my perfect balance between barely surviving and sinking into a black dark hole is lost once again. And now I’m here thinking about it and wishing I could put everything back to the way it was before...well, before _you_.  
   
I’m back in my room. I don’t even know what time it is.  
I’ve spent the whole day at the station today, trying to warn everyone, trying to tell them what happened last night. This morning just to see you there, all curled under your sheets, with those sad sad eyes ready to cry…it made me absolutely furious.  
That man could have killed us both. He looked like he would have done that if I hadn’t shown him my tattoo.  
   
But guess what? None of my people were too surprised. It turns out most of them already knew about Azgeda’s dealing plan around college. That’s why Anya texted me. She didn’t want me to worry, she didn’t want me to see Azgeda’s people there.  
   
_Well, that didn’t work, did it?_  
   
I didn’t like this alliance to begin with and knowing that they’re dealing drugs around my college campus doesn’t help. What’s worse is that their leader, this eerie looking woman named Nia, was standing beside me at today’s meeting. She was there when I started talking, when I described the man who assaulted me. She looked at one of her men and whispered a name, I think she said something like “Emerson” or whatever. The point is: she apologized, saying that it will never happen again. But the way she said it. It didn’t seem like an apology at all. The whole thing just sent chills down my back.  
   
Gustus just stood there. Listened to her and accepted her stupid excuses.      
After she had left I approached him, I tried to talk some sense into him. I tried to make him leave this all behind, but the fear of Nia’s people seeking revenge is just too much for him, it terrifies him. The only thing that I managed to obtain today was Indra’s promise to watch over the campus for a while, just to make sure that if anything like that ever happens again, I won’t be alone.  
   
I close my eyes for a second. I just want to stop thinking about it and get some sleep. But someone’s knocking on my door, so I turn on the lights and I grab the phone to see what time it is.  
   
_2:00 am._  
   
I jump up and get closer to the door.  
   
_What if that man knows where I live? What if Nia wants to send a message to Gustus so he doesn’t back out the alliance?_  
   
“Who is it?” I whisper.  
   
“Clarke” I hear back.  
   
_Oh, it’s you._  
   
I open the door. You’re wrapped inside a blanket and the only thing I can see clearly is your face, covered in sweat and tears.  
I invite you to come in.  
   
“Clarke, what’s wrong?” I say, trying to keep my voice down.  
   
"Hi, I’m sorry, I am so so sorry. You probably hate me already enough as it is and I know it’s very late, but I just…I couldn’t sleep and then I thought that maybe you were awake too…so” you start saying, but I know there’s more.  
   
"Are you okay?" I interrupt you.  
   
You give me this look I can’t even describe, but it scares me, and as you’re trying to find something to say, you cover it all up with one of your smiles. Except this time your eyes have said it all before.  
   
I immediately reach my desk and turn the boiler on to get some tea ready.  
   
“You can sit on my bed. Would you like some tea?” I ask you.  
   
“That would be great, yes, thank you” you answer softly, then after a brief pause you quickly add “I don’t know what came over me, I had a terrible nightmare and I just couldn’t sleep, you know?”  
   
“Well, I think it’s quite normal after what you’ve been through last night”  
   
“Yeah, everyone keeps saying that” you nod slowly, then stare back at the pavement again.  
   
“Even I couldn’t sleep tonight” I confess.  
   
“I'm sorry, I messed up your life pretty bad these two days, haven’t I?” you say and your voice breaks a little when you lift your eyes to meet mine.  
   
_Yes, you did._  
   
“Why do you keep doing that?” I ask, instead of speaking my mind.  
   
“What? Mess up your life?”  
   
“No, saying ‘sorry’. It’s like your favorite word in the world”  
   
“Oh, you’re right, I’m sorr-” you stop and bite your lips.  
   
“It’s just that I feel so bad for everything that happened. You got caught up in big mess, because of me” you rephrase.  
   
“Last time I checked you were not the one trying to punch me in the face” I say smiling and handing you the cup of tea.  
   
“Oh, which reminds me, my mom was here today and she wanted to give you the money back. Can I pleas-” you start saying and I immediately stop you.  
   
“How much sugar do you want?”  
   
The fact that you still didn’t ask me about the tattoo and how I managed to send that guy away makes me realize that you probably didn’t understand much of what was happening last night. Otherwise you would have known that it wasn’t just the money that kept him away from us.  
I am relieved.  
   
I thought you knocked on my door in the middle of the night just to ask me what _really_ happened last night.  
   
“One spoon" you tell me, then you try again "Lexa, I really wish I could do something to-”  
   
"Can I ask you a question?" I interrupt you again.  
   
"Sure" you sigh resigned.  
   
“Why didn’t you give him the bag in the first place?”  
   
You hold on to the cover that surrounds you.  
   
“I couldn’t” you say, then add, after a few seconds of silence “my dad’s watch was in there. To that guy that watch would have been worth a couple hundred dollars. To me? To me that watch is worth the world. It’s the only thing I have left of him, that reminds me of him” you say and you’re trying to hold some tears back, which makes me uncomfortable.  
  
_Please don’t cry. I’ve seen it happen way too many times these past two days._  
   
Plus, I wasn’t expecting this answer. You, with your contagious smiles, always the first ready to help someone, I had no idea you were carrying this pain somewhere inside of you. For some reason, I’ve always imagined you living somewhere in a beautiful house, with a happy family, maybe a dog. But now your words, your eyes, they tell me a different story and I realize I would love to hear it from the beginning. Like if you were some kind of movie and I was ready to watch it from the start, trying not to miss any word, any single detail.  
   
“I understand” I find myself whispering, shaking these thoughts off.  
   
“Now can I ask you a question?” you say and my heart stops.  
   
I nod, trying to hide the state of sudden panic in which I find myself.  
   
“What were you doing around campus at that time of night?”  
   
 I let out a sigh of relief once again.  
   
“Oh, I was at the pool party” I say, giving you a quick smile.  
   
“You were at that party?!” you shout, jumping a little on my bed.  
   
“Well, you and your friends made me feel like an idiot last time, so I decided to check this famous pool party out!” I tell you and you smile again. Finally.  
   
“And?” you ask.  
   
“And I think you're all crazy. It was too hot in there and the music was ridiculous” I start saying and you laugh, then I add “however, there was this girl at the party… she was terribly drunk, she kept on jumping inside the pool spilling her cocktails everywhere and, well, I have to say, it made it all pretty entertaining after all” I conclude laughing.  
   
“Damn you! I can’t believe you saw me in that state”  
   
“I didn’t say it was you. Is that your guilty conscience speaking, Miss Griffin?” I look at you, while you shake your head and your cheeks get red.  
   
_I’m not going to say it. I’m not going to say you looked amazing to me. Even with your hair messed up, even drunk, even sad._  
   
“What are you and your friends going to do for these six days of vacation?” I ask you, while desperately trying to get those images out of my head.  
   
“Octavia and Raven are leaving tomorrow, they have an early flight. Raven is going to visit her mom in Mexico, Octavia and her brother are going to some uncles they have in New York. That’s why I didn’t want to wake them up. They would have killed me!” you explain.  
   
“And where are you going?” I ask, trying to make you think of something positive.  
   
“Oh, I’ll stay here. My mom has a conference in Europe and I have no desire to spend the holidays with some relative I barely know. Raven and Octavia invited me to go with them, but it’s just too many hours of flight and well it’s been a while since last time I was on a plane. Three years, actually” you say and your smile disappears from your face again.  
   
“Why? Are you afraid to fly?” I ask, surprised.  
   
“I started to be three years ago. My father was on the Delta Air Lines flight in 2013” I see you close your eyes, swallowing and closing your lips a bit before continuing.  
   
"I haven’t taken a plane since. My dad was going to a meeting in New York. He was an aerospace engineer, you know? The best of his team” you say and a tear finally escapes your eyes, beginning its desperate ride on your cheek, until you stop it with your finger.  
   
I remember that tragic event, it was all over the news for weeks. One of the rare cases of non-landing of La Guardia airport in New York. There were no survivors. I stare at the floor again, trying to find something to say.  
   
“I lost someone special too" I say, without thinking, as if that phrase had remained on my tongue for years, without ever finding the right address.  
   
"Her name was Costia" I whisper.  
   
Now you look at me, asking me to tell you more. And it feels right. It feels like I can.  
   
“We grew up together in the Institute. She had been adopted a few months after me. Her adoptive parents helped her a lot. Her life was just starting to give her back the happiness she had missed. Then, one afternoon, she went to the supermarket to get a cake, because she told me she needed some sugar and that’s actually the last thing she said to me. She was killed a couple of hours later our last phone call. It only took one bullet. Just like that. Gone. She was in the wrong place, at the wrong time" I say in one breath, placing a hand on my chest, as if to say those words, my chest was bleeding like hers too.  
   
We remain silent for a long time after that. Staring at the walls of this room, which now seems so small. But, there is something different. After telling you about Costia, I feel like a part of me was relieved. I don’t fear your questions and I don’t fear being vulnerable around you.  
I feel in the right place, with the right person.  
 

**.:.**

   
Your words go straight to my heart.  
For the first time in years I think I found someone who can truly understand how I feel.  
I can see it in your eyes that the loss of this girl has profoundly affected you, but just like me, you don’t say it at loud, you keep it to yourself, nobody could tell, you do your best to cover it. We do the same, except I cover it with a smile, you seem to cover it with loneliness.  
   
But I know how it feels like. I had to be helped. I had to spend years in therapy and only then I was able to overcome that phase where you don’t want to sleep, or eat, or live, for that matter. It took me a while, but I knew deep down in my heart my dad would have not wanted this for me. He was my biggest fan, always ready to tell me I had the most beautiful smile in the universe.  
The thing is that when something really bad happens to you, you tend to forget, you tend to remove all the good you ever had in your life.  
   
Eventually my dad’s words came back to my mind one day and I decided to smile again.  
   
 _I wonder, did anybody ever tried to make you smile again? Did anybody care?_  
   
“Mmh, I knew we were going to be friends" I say, suddenly.  
   
“You did? Why?” you ask back and you seem surprised, as if you really can’t see why anyone would want to be your friend.  
   
“Because I think that it makes sense. Two similar stories together can make a good one” I say and I push you a little with my shoulder.  
   
“Our stories look pretty sad, Clarke. How could they ever make a good one?”  
   
“You don’t believe in happy endings, do you?” I ask you, but I don’t really need an answer.

“Nope”  
   
“Well, I do” I smile.  
   
You don’t say anything else, but your silence isn’t heavy. It’s a peaceful one. I feel I could stay with you in this room without saying a word for hours, just like this. You have a strange power on me. You can calm my spirit and ease my mind and even I don’t know how to do that.  
   
“Oh, I almost forgot to ask you, what are you going to do for the break? Going anywhere cool?” I’m the one to break the silence once again.  
   
“Maybe in three or four days I’ll go back to Minnesota. Tara and Bill, my adoptive parents, haven’t seen me in months, so I probably should pay them a visit. I would only stay a couple of days, though” you explain to me and suddenly my smile is brighter.  
   
“Hey, this means we have 3 or 4 days to watch the new episodes of _Big Cats!”_ I shout, all excited.  
   
Your eyes light up and a spontaneous smile appears on your face. I take a mental picture of it, so I can keep it in my head for a little longer before it fades away.  
   
“If you want, I mean” I add.  
   
“Sounds good” you say.  
   
The state of anxiety that had gripped me an hour ago is now completely gone.  
   
I don’t know _what_ you do to me, but it feels _good._  
   
“Lexa?”  
   
“Yes?”  
   
“Thank you, for everything” I whisper, resting my hand on your knee.  
   
You probably don’t understand this, but the only idea of having you around these days makes me feel a lot better. I told Raven and Octavia that I was fine being by myself these few days, but I said it just to let them go and have fun without having to worry about me. The fact that I may be able to spend some time with you means a lot to me at the moment. Makes me feel…safe.  
   
“Ah, I did nothing” you softly say and you look embarrassed.  
   
We both place our empty cups on your desk and it’s time for me to go. Sleep is finally knocking on my door and I cannot wait to welcome it.  
   
“Will I see you at lunch tomorrow?” I ask you, just before approaching the door.  
   
“Sure” I hear you say.  
   
“Good night, and well, sorry for this, again I-” I try to say, but like every time, you interrupt me in the middle of my apologies.  
   
“Ah-ah, what did I tell you? No apologies, Clarke. Have a good night”  
   
_Your voice. The way you say my name. That weird feeling again._

I shake it off and I get back to my room. Raven and Octavia are still asleep. I get back to my bed and I finally get some sleep. No nightmares this time. Just peace.  
A smile on my face and I know…I have _you_ to thank for.


	8. Adler Planetarium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First date!
> 
> Lots of Clexa cheesy moments from this chapter on!   
> Hope you like it! :)

**8\. Adler Planetarium**  
   
"So, you’re saying that this Lincoln is not only ridiculously hot, he’s intelligent as well?”  
   
“It's not just that. It’s…I don’t know. He makes me feel safe, even when I don’t feel vulnerable. Does that make any sense? I feel a connection that goes beyond physical attraction, it’s…”  
   
“You don’t need to say another word, O. You’re screwed”  
   
“Yep. Deeply, madly screwed”  
   
I wake up with the sound of those words and my friends’ laughter and I automatically smile, turning on one side of the bed to look at them.  
   
“Oh, Clarke! You finally woke up! We thought you were dead” Octavia shouts, throwing a pillow at my bed.  
   
“Girls it’s only 9:00 am, seriously. It's early. I decided to open my eyes just to say goodbye and wish you a safe flight, but I have all the intentions of getting back to sleep after that” I say, slowly rubbing my eyes.  
   
“I don’t think I like this idea of you being alone in here for 6 days” Raven says and I interrupt her immediately.  
   
“I'll be fine, girls. Go and have fun! I’ll sleep, relax, read some book I’ve left on the shelves for way too long and I’ll see you in a week. It’s all good” I promise.  
   
“You sure?” they both whisper, staring at me.  
   
“Yes, I’m sure” I confirm.  
   
They both close their luggage and come hug me. Every time they have to catch a plane, fear has a grip on me until they text me that they have landed safely on the ground.  
   
“Text me as soon as you get off the plane and I mean immediately, ok?” I beg them.  
   
“Sure” they both stand up and get their jackets. They give me one last look.  
  
“Have fun, girls”  
   
“Don’t sleep too much, I don’t want to come back and find a zombie in my room, okay?” Raven recommends before getting out and we laugh. They know I will anyway.  
   
As soon as the door closes, I get back under the covers and I try to sleep a little more. I wake up only after the third groan from my stomach, telling me that I definitely should start putting some food in my system and I look at the clock.  
   
“Holy shit, 12:00 pm already?”  
   
 _Did I miss lunch? Will you be still waiting for me at the dining hall?_  
   
This thought crosses my mind and I get surprised once again. I shouldn’t care this much, really. Yet, I get up in a hurry and I run to the bathroom in a state of pure panic. I need to find something to wear quick. Again, a thought comes to me.  
   
 _What do I even wear?_  
   
That’s just ridiculous, I never think about it. Plus, nobody will even be around today.  
   
 _But you will._  
   
I shake my head. I see some sunlight coming from the window, so it must be pretty warm outside. I have another look at the wardrobe and I grab a pair of shorts and a red shirt.  
I pick up my bag and I open the door.  
   
“Oh” I hear you say, before taking two steps back from my door.  
   
 “Lexa?” I’m surprised.  
   
“I was going to knock” you say, playing with the edge of your shirt.  
   
“Oh, sorry, I almost hit you in the face! Are you ok?” I ask, still a bit confused.  
   
“Yes, I’m fine” you almost whisper now.  
   
“Have you had lunch?”  
   
“Not yet” you answer and I feel somewhat relieved.  
   
“Great, we should go together then!” I say, but your eyes tell me there is something you want to say.  
   
“Clarke, my sister told me her company won’t work in the kitchen for these six days, they told her it wasn’t worth hiring the catering company for the few of us left for the break so…” I remain silent and wait for you to continue. My heart is beating a little faster now, though.  
   
“So uhm, I... I was wondering if you wanted to grab lunch somewhere else today, we could drive to the center and choose someplace, it’s a nice day today…” you finally say, tripping on your own words more than once, leaving me absolutely hypnotized by the way you talk and the way your eyes can’t seem to find peace now, revealing all the shyness they usually cover so well.  
   
“But I mean, if you have something else to do I…" you probably misunderstand my silence and move on, trying to keep a confident tone.  
   
“Let’s go” is all I say, before shutting the door behind me and giving you my best smile.  
   
“Okay, so where do we go? Any ideas?” I ask you, on our way to the student parking space.  
   
“What about the lake? We still have a few hours before the sun goes down and we could-” you start saying, but I interrupt you.  
   
“Ohh yes! I haven’t been there in soooo long!”  
   
You notice my enthusiasm and you finally seem to relax a little. I watch you open the gate that leads to the parking space and when you move aside to make me go first I realize how lucky I must be. Something tells me you don’t invite people out very often and, after all I’ve put you through these past few days, I’m surprised you still want to spend some time with me. Now that you walk by my side, under the light of this sun, with your crumpled shirt, your skinny jeans and your sneakers, these walls everyone see when they approach you, they don’t seem so high anymore.  
   
“So, this is my car. Please don’t say a word. I told you my parents are from Minnesota” you tell me, waking me up from my train of thoughts.  
   
I look up to see which car you pointed out and my eyes linger on a gray, big, huge pick-up.  
   
“Are you serious? _This_ is _your_ car?” I can’t contain my laugh.  
   
“Nevermind” you say, but you’re smiling.  
   
“Oh, Lexa, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh, it’s just that…well, I wasn’t expecting it” I try to explain forcing me to stop laughing. This pick-up looks like it’s coming straight from Nashville or something.  
   
You don’t answer, but you kindly open the door for me. Once you get in the car, I allow myself to watch you start the engine. Now that I see you in it, I think it suits you. A huge protective shell for a tiny, fragile little thing. It makes sense. Plus, you do look kinda cool driving it.  
   
 _Why did I even notice that?_  
   
I shake my head again.  
   
“I know this great restaurant by the lake” you say and I immediately glance at my clothing. After all the time I spent to decide what to wear, I feel like this is the exact opposite of what I should be wearing in a restaurant by the lake. You turn to look at me for a moment, then you smile.  
   
“It’s not a fancy restaurant, Clarke. Don’t worry, you look nice” you reassure me and I think my cheeks are turning red.  
   
“Can I turn the radio on?” I ask after a few seconds, trying to get these confusing thoughts off of me. The wind begins to mess up your hair a bit as we speed outside the college area and I force myself not to look at you too much. After a few attempts I finally find a radio station that I love and I turn the volume up to a great song. I start jumping on my seat and I start signing as loud as I can.  
   
“Oh my god! I love this one!”  
   
“Great, but please don’t turn it too high otherwise I-” I hear you say, but it’s too late.  
   
“Now that she's back in the atmospheeere with drops of Jupiter in her haaair, hey, hey, heeeey!”  
   
“See? I just missed a turn! You’re distracting me!” you’re trying to make me stop signing, I get it, but the fact that you look so adorably embarrassed by this situation, just makes me want to do it even more.  
   
“She acts like summeeer and walks like raaaain, reminds me that there's a time to changeeee, hey, hey, heeeeeey!”  
   
“I'll have to drive all the way to lake Michigan with you screaming in my ears, right?”  
   
“Teeeell meee, did you fall for a shooting staaaar- one without a permanent scaaar?” is my answer to that.  
   
We both start laughing like kids and I think about the mess I was just a couple of days ago. You cheer me up. You make me feel like I can sing at the top of my lungs. These scars we both silently carry around every day, won’t be on our skin today.  
As soon as we reach the lake area, I stop singing, hypnotized by the view. The sun is hitting the surface of the lake and I see people walking around, couples holding hands, kids playing and it’s such an amazing day.  
   
We park in front of the restaurant. The waiter reserves us a seat at a table next to the windows. You order pasta, I get a risotto and a bottle of water. While waiting for our food I find myself looking at you through the reflection from the window and I lose sight of the view for a second.  
   
 _With this sun your eyes look even greener._  
   
I ask you how your exam week went and you tell me you’re pretty satisfied, but also very tired. Throughout lunch we talk about college and what we would like to do when we grow up. We’re slowly getting to know each other a bit more and I wish this lunch would never end.  
   
"You want anything else?" you ask me, when I finish my last scoop of vanilla.  
   
"No, I'm full. It was all very good!" I say, passing the spoon in every corner of the plate not to leave any trace of the melted cream.  
   
I see you raise your arm and ask for the bill and I suddenly feel a bit sad.  
   
"It was a beautiful day. Thank you for inviting me, Lex" I tell you, walking beside you toward the car.  
   
"Lex?" you repeat turning around to give me a look, slightly raising your eyebrows.  
   
“Yep. I like it. It’s shorter and I don’t know, it sounds like you"  
   
“Well, it’s horrible. I hate it”  
   
“Too bad, Lex, I think I’ll keep it” I reply and you raise your eyes, but we’re both laughing.  
   
I’m ready to get inside the car, when I see you get a small black bag out of it and close the doors again.  
   
“We're not going away?” I ask, confused.  
   
“You need to go back to campus?” you ask and I shake my head.  
   
“No” I answer.  
   
“Then no, we’re not going home yet. There’s something I want you to see” you say, handing me the black bag and starting to walk to the shore of the lake. I try to keep up with you and open the bag while walking.  
   
“3D glasses? What's the use?” I’m even more confused now.  
   
“You’ll see”    
   
We walk on the shore for about ten minutes when my enthusiasm gets uncontainable.  
   
“Oh come one! Can you tell me where we’re going now?!”  
   
“There” you finally say, pointing out a big construction right at the end of the harbor.  
   
“The Adler Planetarium” I whisper.  
   
"Have you ever been?" you ask me, noticing my reaction.  
   
"With my dad, yes, he used to take me there when I was little” I confess.  
   
“Oh, maybe it’s not such a good idea then?" you ask me, suddenly unsure.  
   
You stop, waiting for me to say something. I just grab you by the arm and I invite you to keep going. I don’t need to say a word. I know this will be enough for you to understand. There isn’t any other place on earth I’d rather be right now.  
 

**.:.**

   
We arrive at the planetarium 5 minutes later. We rush to get two tickets and we quickly get to the first hall.  
I was the one getting ahead before getting here, now I’m struggling to keep up with you. You’re so excited and you drag me from one hall to the other, keeping me under your arm, and your smile is so bright that I fear I might not be the only one noticing it here in these dark rooms. Whenever a screen is projecting a documentary about Space and Galaxies you stop right there and wait for it to start over again, making sure we didn’t miss a word of it.  
   
Every time you let a “wow” escape your mouth, something weird happens to me. It’s something I can’t quite describe what I feel when I hear you laugh, when I glance at your eyes while they’re lost somewhere inside these pictures on the walls. It feels as if your happiness was suddenly and inexplicably linked to some cell of my body and to every smile, every “Oh my god! Look at this, isn’t it beautiful?”, my body immediately reacts with the same enthusiasm, gifting us with the same smile. And every time you ask me that all I have left to say is “yes, Clarke, it is all so beautiful”.  
   
“What was your father like?” I ask you, now that your mind has disappeared in all these stars we’re staring at with the telescope.  
   
“He was my hero. I know this is what every child on this planet would say, but to me he really was. He was the most loving and caring person I’ve ever known. He was studying a way to reach a further space in the safest manner. He wanted to explore the mysteries of space to understand those of Earth, to help us improve our impact on it” you tell me and I can almost imagine this man. I didn’t need any other proof to know he was probably a really amazing man. You're a strong and beautiful woman, even dressed in your fears. You hide it all so well, no matter what happened to you, you’re always ready to help someone else. Your kindness and your generous smile are the first things you give away to anyone you meet and I think you’re very brave for that. You don’t get yourself down, you don’t close yourself up, like I do, you give yourself to this world and don’t expect much back from it. If your dad gave you at least one of these qualities, well, it’s easy to say he really was…a special guy.  
   
“Tell me about your parents in Minnesota, what are they like?" I hear you ask me after a few minutes of silence.  
   
“They’re okay” I keep it short, but you squeeze my arm a bit and try to encourage me to keep on going.  
   
“Ok. Well, Tara is a great cook. She makes the best apple pies in the world, I swear. I’ve never tested anything like it in my entire life. She is an intelligent woman and very patient, I’d say. Bill, on the other hand, he’s just like one of those characters you would read in a children’s book. He’s the good giant, a super tall and big man, with a long horrible beard and just the sweetest man on earth. They have a small ranch just outside Minnesota city, with lots of cows and some chickens too. But the part of the ranch I prefer is the stables” I tell you, and I can almost smell the scent of fresh hair you can only smell over there.  
   
“When I arrived in their family I think I’ve spent the first few weeks closed inside that place. The first members of the family with whom I really made friends were their 4 horses”  
   
“You go horse riding?” you ask me, a bit surprised.  
   
“I didn’t at first, but Tara and Bill thought me. After a few months I even got to choose my favorite horse, his name is Aden”  
   
“So…you have a pick-up, you live in a Ranch and you have horses. Where are your flannel shirts and your cowboy boots?” I hear you laugh and again my heart beats faster.  
   
“No boots, but I do have some flannel shirts! They’re actually very comfortable, you’d be surprised” I confess, laughing together with you.  
   
“Tara and Bill seem to be very nice people” you say, suddenly turning serious.  
   
“Yeah, they are. It's a shame they couldn’t have kids”  
   
“They have you, Lex. And I'm sure they wouldn’t want anyone else”  
   
Our eyes meet for a moment when you say that and we both have to force ourselves to look away and get back to the stars a few seconds later.  
   
We finish the tour at around 5, just before the closing time. The sunlight still hasn’t abandoned us and we have to put our hands on our faces to readjust our sight to the brightness of the day.  
   
“You were right, the 3D hall with the galaxies was totally worth the que! Smart move bringing your own glasses, though” you say enthusiastically.  
   
“I know right? If we had to get the glasses too, we would have waited at least 2 hours!”  
   
“How did you know all this stuff? You come here often?”  
   
“Yes, every time I get the chance. This place relaxes me like no other place. Sometimes I just skip the entire tour and get to the last hall, I sit there for hours and I stare at the projections”  
   
“It was incredible. Even better than what I remembered. Thank you, this was an amazing day, Lex” you tell me and I'm over the moon.  
   
During the trip back the radio is back at full volume and I get two other turns wrong because of it, but there’s something so perfect about the way you giggle and jump on the passenger seat every time you find a song you like.  
Your hands are outside the window of my car and they create invisible waves against the wind and your eyes are closed. You seem happy. You seem peaceful. And you’re extremely contagious for me.  
   
I drive slowly, I wish I could keep on going some more. Just like this.  
But the campus gate is right around the corner now and I have to get you home.  
   
We walk together through the corridor and reach our rooms. I figure it might be time for you to go back to your room, so I stop at my door and I prepare myself to let you go.  
   
“Ok, I'll give you 15 minutes to change and put a comfortable pajama on, I’ll get some tea ready and I load an episode of Big Cats” you say before I have the time to say anything.  
   
I push my glasses on my nose, a gesture I always do when I'm nervous.  
   
"You’re not tired of me yet?” I ask, making it look like a joke, but hiding there all my insecurities.  
   
“Not at all” you firmly answer, without thinking twice.    
   
“O-o-kay, then. I'll see you in 15 minutes?" I try to look for some confirmation in your eyes, one last time, just to make sure I didn’t dream all of this.  
   
"Make it 10" you reply before disappearing into your room. Leaving me speechless.  
   
Something tells me that these few days around you will be a breath of fresh air for me. 


End file.
